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We don’t live here anymore

12 Mar

Oh, hello there. I’ve moved to a new virtual home. Please come visit me over there.

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30 Jan

Not sure what the photo is supposed to signify, Refinancing Ad, but you officially have my attention.

Recommended: “Who Won 2011?” on Grantland

31 Dec

The bracket-style 2011 wrap-up was an outstanding read, in particular this breakdown of the matchup between Siri and Ryan Gosling:

How did he do it? No one knows. While Siri is filled with attitude toward common folk like you and me, if Ryan asked her “Where can I find a roll of triple-ply toilet tissue? This lamb vindaloo is not sitting right,” she would probably faint and respond with “RYAN OMG JUST TAKE ME WITH YOU.” For the ability to arouse a robot, Gosling takes the easy win.

Much more goodness in the same vein. Go now.

Dave Holmes on the supposed War on Christmas

15 Dec

This post by the great Dave Holmes — one of my closest pretend internet friends — killed me last year. It’s worth re-posting in full (with Dave’s pretend permission, of course):

O What Fun It Is To Shut Up About Whether Or Not You’re Allowed To Say “Merry Christmas.”

Because you should remember two very important things:

1) You are, and

2) No, really: you are.

There is no such thing as the War On Christmas. Yes, there are a few incidents in which people are arguing about whether nativity scenes or explicitly Christmas-related displays have any place on public property, which is

1) an argument worth having, and

2) up to those individual communities to work out for themselves.

People have been saying “Happy Holidays” and “Season’s Greetings” as long as I’ve been alive, and I didn’t learn until recently that I was supposed to be a huge, ungracious dick about it. In my childhood, I thought it meant “Merry Christmas AND Happy New Year,” and now that I’m a grown-up and I have friends of all different cultural and religious backgrounds, I realize it’s just a nice thing to say. Happy Whatever You Celebrate. I say “Merry Christmas” a lot too, because that’s my cultural and religious background, and I haven’t run into trouble yet. Neither have you.

The War On Christmas, like Santa Claus, is something people made up to compel you to buy things or watch TV shows.

Also, the X in Xmas is not an English-alphabet X, but a Greek Chi, Chi standing for “Christ.” Nobody is X-ing out Jesus.

I know you all know this, but I just read way too many posts about it today. (Way too many is 2.) Also, I’m steeling myself for my trip home, where last year one of my brothers came over for Christmas-present-opening with his family, opened the door and said: “Merry Christmas! I’m still allowed to say that, right?” Ugh. Yes. Yes, you are still allowed to say that. You will always be allowed to say that. Stick a nog in it.

 

Paper salesman music video throwdown: David Brent vs. Stanley Hudson

30 Nov

The champion:

 

…And the challenger:

 

That’s got to be a joke from a future episode of “The Office,” right? Right?

 

This is why you shouldn’t hire frat guys in positions of power

17 Nov

Can’t imagine why this Bronx principal is getting in trouble.

“We have a fancy copy machine that does all sorts of things. It even has a hole to stick your d–k in for a blow j-b,” Chase allegedly said to the stunned staffer, according to a Sept. 19 police report obtained by The Post.

Chase also allegedly celebrated a hole in the wall left behind by phone repairmen because he said it meant he could shove his member into it whenever he wanted, according to a source familiar with the complaints.

“Sorry, didn’t hear a word you said after you mentioned that blow job machine idea” said every man on the planet.

Yet another reason to love the internet

31 Oct

My wife is due to have our first kid in two weeks, and while I’m excited for the pregnancy to be over, one thing I’m going to seriously miss is reading hippie-mom blogs for their hilarious advice. They are exactly as loopy/adorable as you’d expect.

My favorite recent one, found while trying to learn if there is a way to help the baby flip from posterior (painful labor) to anterior:

  • Talk to your baby; ask him/her to turn to anterior
  • Visualize an anterior baby
  • Relaxing in a warm bath and telling your baby you are happy s/he is about to arrive can also make a world of difference

God bless you, hippie moms. God bless you all.