Move over, Chaz

6 Mar

Think Charlie Sheen won the week in crazy? Think again. An Ohio priest out-batshitted the sitcom star in an absolute landslide. How so, you ask? Well…

First and foremost, the guy got drunk. Suuuuper drunk. As in, drunk enough that when he drove his car into a swamp, his escape strategy to avoid the approaching police officers was to climb in a backseat, curl in a ball and put his coat over his head. “Well, I checked the front seat and didn’t see anyone. Must be deserted. Let’s head on back to the station, Lou.” When that brilliant hide-and-seek tactic failed, the priest was taken to a jail where he unleashed some top-notch nuttiness. Here are a few highlights:

– Asked jailers, “You want me to give you a blowjob? Is that what you want?”

– Remarked, “I’ll give you the Sermon on the Mount. The Sermon on the Mount is this: Get these fucking [handcuffs] off me because I’m getting a rash!”

– Noted that he was being treated like Jeffrey Dahmer, the late serial killer.

– Sang portions of the “Star Spangled Banner.”

– To a jailer: “You have fabulous eyebrows. Those don’t come naturally.”

– “I am not going to get on my knees, I am not going to give head. Oral sex, no. I don’t care how long I’m here.”

– “Thank you. Because I believe in real American democracy. I believe in Sarah Palin. We’re going rogue.”

– “I want you to free me, America, I want you to love me. I want you to be with me.”

– “He’s in shackles, like Uncle Tom. Like I’m an Uncle Tom, don’t you think so, cause I’m black, I’m part black. You understand, sir, what kind of a shit storm you’re going to be under cause I am part black. Ohh, I can’t wait. Oprah Winfrey is going to have her fat ass down here and you are going to have your ass up the wall, and not in a good way.”

– “And I refuse like Johnny Weir. I will say my people have been oppressed for too long! And we will not go along with your shackles! We will not be slaves to you. No, we will continue to rise against you, you Bolsheviks. We are true royalty. I am the Viscount and I will not allow you to denounce me nor will I allow you to denounce my family.” (3 pages)

When reached for comment, all the tiger’s blood in the world said, “Don’t matter how much of us you got inside you, ain’t NO ONE gonna top that amount of crazy.”

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