Friday swag

13 Aug

I am continually amazed and disgusted by science:

The doctor confirmed the good news for Ron Sveden once the mass in his left lung came back from the lab: He didn’t have cancer. He had a pea sprouting inside his chest.

I almost would rather have cancer.

And then! Later in the article:

In 2009, a Russian surgeon said he found a tiny fir tree in someone’s lung.

This is a great sentence to repeat to people if you want them to distrust all surgeons. Or just be disgusted. Or think you’re a liar.

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Today’s reason to hate the government:

An Allegheny County judge denied a Green Tree man’s petition to change his name to Boomer the Dog.

Fun haters.

**********

“Come on, let me take a look at your finger. Show it to me! I do this every day! It’s just like you and filing papers, but if you were so terrible at filing papers that you had to join the Army to do clerical work, because the military is so desperate to get some warm bodies in there that they’d totally overlook your incompetent paper-filing technique. There, see, all better! Oops, I think I sewed your finger to your sweater. Hold on, I’ll fix it right now. God, there’s so much blood, why do you have to bleed so much, you stupid bitch? And don’t even go looking for a vase to smash on my head, I got rid of them all while you were at work. I’m not an idiot. Hey, want to hear a bedside manner joke about donkey dick while I cut out the sutures I just tied to the table cloth? No? Well, fuck you, you’re the worst at filing papers, that’s why you hired someone to do it for you.”

No excuses for you “Mad Men” fans to not be reading Lisanti’s “Power Rankings” column. Best.

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Lawsuit confusion:

James G. Falzon’s lawsuits say the severed barrel of a maple bat became “a dangerous projectile” and broke bones in his face during an August 2007 Atlanta Braves game at the former Shea (shay) Stadium. He’s seeking unspecified damages.

2007? Seems like there should be some sort of statute of limitations on lawsuits. Did this guy just come to? (If so, give him whatever he wants.)

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