You probably don’t know Zorbaz, located in northern Minnesota (read: BFE), but you very well know something similar. It’s the teenybopper hotspot in a vacation town, which functions as both innocuous restaurant by day turned ear-splitting dance club at night. Every under-28 single person from miles around squeezes into the hot-as-fuck basement to pound shots and dance their asses off to the migraine-inducing club music, intent to hook up or at least do some serious dance-floor groping.
This is where my group of friends/family and I ended up Saturday night, looking to blow off steam built up from ample family time and hoping for nothing more than some good ol’ people-watching.
And holy mother of god did Zorbaz bring the goods. Unbeknownst to me, this place is apparently the People Watching Capital of the World. The Minnesota State Fair has nothing on this place.
I know full well the following list won’t be nearly as hilarious in print as it was in person, but I feel the need to post it anyway, both for posterity purposes and to prove to any out-of-staters who might happen across this post that we Minnesotans are not, in fact, identical-looking pasty Scandinavians. There are a precious few outliers, and every last one of them decided to show their face at Zorbaz on the same night. It was truly the best thing ever.
The list, which I swear is 100% true and un-exaggerated, of people who walked by our table last Saturday, at around midnight and later:
– Dozens of wasted twentysomething chicks (obviously)
– Dozens of equally wasted frat boyz
– Foursome of mid-40s guys wearing golf clothing – polos, pleated khakis, etc.
– Three goth kids, complete with dinner plates encased in their ear lobes
– A busboy who was no older than 13 years old
– Two older guys in white dress shirts and ties
– A middle-aged flaming gay black dude wearing a skin-tight tank top and a pink mohawk
– Two lovable guidos looking straight out of Jersey Shore, complete with curly black hair, super low v-necks and boat shoes
– One seemingly lost young women in a bridesmaid dress, quietly crying
– Three guys in full fishing garb, not even pretending to not be the biggest pervs on the planet
– A couple that was at least 70 years old
– A blind guy walking near the dance floor with walking stick
Like I said, that list doesn’t do justice the spectacle at Zorbaz. Read through it again, picturing drunk idiots engulfing you while the techno beats pulsates every fiber of your body, and envision this parade of randomness meandering by you. So good.