Tough choice: either (a) do a thing that you love, or (b) get killed

24 Jun

The Story of the Week, as if I even have to tell you, is the insane tale of Jeremy London, apparently known for a role on Party of Five but only recognizable to me as the twin brother of the stoner QB from Dazed & Confused. Yeah, that guy. On with the story.

First report:

Armed bandits abducted and robbed Jeremy London and forced him to smoke drugs during a harrowing five hour ordeal in Palm Springs, California.

London, 37, was attempting to change a flat tire on his vehicle when a man stopped to help him, outside the Bahama Hotel & Apartments on North Palm Canyon Drive, late on the evening of Thursday, June 10.

The kidnapper forcibly took London and drove him around in his own vehicle, while terrorizing him at gun point. has learned the suspect’s name is Brandon Adams. He’s been charged with several felonies, including kidnapping for ransom with injury, strong arm robbery, carjacking, receiving stolen property, and taking a vehicle without the owner’s consent.

For us reasonable folk, it took about .0001 seconds for the ol’ melon to boot up and conclude that there is no goddamn way that this happened. You know that and I know that. This is elementary stuff.

See, drugs happen to be worth quite a bit of money, so you would *force* someone to take them as much as you’d *force* them to throw your wallet off a bridge.

Of course, immediately after this report surfaced, it was revealed that London has been dealing with a drug problem for some time now, (WATFO?) which would be a slightly sad situation if the dude hadn’t gotten another guy arrested because of it. Addiction is a terrible thing, but at some point you have to draw the line and conclude that the addict is just being a dick. This is that line. I have drawn it right here, and have placed this photo of Jeremy London beyond it. See?

Finally, today, the accuser spoke up:

Adams and his uncle then walked to a bus stop when they noticed the pair trying to fix the flat on their rented black Ford Focus near an alley. When Adams offered to help, that’s when he says London asked him about the drugs.

“As soon as we got in the car, Jeremy asked us if we could get him five Xanax and five Oxycontin,” said Adams. “Melissa was asking for Xanax too. I told him I could hook him up but that I wanted a couple of beers. He agreed.”

Adams said the men drove around the neighborhood, “handing out beers to my friends. . .having a good time” before London became annoyed and demanded he get him some pills.

After procuring them, the duo ended up at the suspect’s home with his wife and six kids.

“I hadn’t been able to get any Xanax or Oxycontins up to that point, but I was finally able to get him three ecstasy and three xanax pills. He took all six pills at once. He was out of his mind high,” recalled Adams.

Mr. Adams: I award you every single Believability Point offered in this terrible game of He Said He Said. Congratulations, and good luck.


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