The mysterious story of Alvin Greene

14 Jun

My favorite story of the past week is the journey of one Alvin Greene. You can catch up over at Daily Intel for all the sordid details, or read below for a summary culled from that content.

Greene first made headlines last Wednesday, when he won the Democratic Senate Primary even though no one had ever heard of him. That is just barely an exaggeration. Greene, an unemployed 32-year-old former military member, had previously forked over $10k to file his nomination with the state, and then apparently just decided to give up. He did absolutely nothing to promote his campaign, but when voting day arrived, he somehow beat the well-known, experienced and awesomely named Vic Rawl. No one has any idea how this happened. Voter apathy? People voting for the guy whose name comes first alphabetically? Behind-the-scenes chicanery? No clue.

Greene was obviously surprised that he won, but not in a gung-ho sort of way. His reaction was strangely muted, along the lines of “hooray, I guess?” Most assumed it’s because Greene realizes he stands no chance against Republican incumbent Jim DeMint, but shortly after the victory was announced, another theory for his less-than-tickled reaction arose: dude has been charged with a felony for showing p0rn to a college student.

Allegedly, Greene was chillaxing at a college library (totally normal for a 32-year-old non-student!) and harassed a female student by asking if he could see her room, and when that beauty didn’t work, he pulled up some good ol-fashioned hardcore on the computer and asked her to give a looksie. Against all odds, that didn’t work either, and she had him arrested.

To make matters even worse – or at least more mysterious – for Mr. Greene, a day after the news of the felony came out, a bunch of people started wondering if this guy could possibly be a Republican plant. (Bad sign: you are so utterly incompetent that people assume you must be working for the competition.)

Such an idea is ludicrous at first glance – life is not a John Grisham novel – but, well, let’s get back to the $10k Greene spent to file with the state. Why on earth would a guy so uninterested in pursuing his candidacy drop that much coin, especially when considering that same guy is unemployed? The mind reels.

I’ve been unemployed. I dropped my Netflix account from 3 DVDs at a time to 2, which saved me a cool $3 per month. I checked my bank account every 30 seconds. I bought Kraft mac & fucking cheese.

Jobless folk don’t throw money around, and even if he did, even if he was a complete moron financially and didn’t grasp the concept that there were no paychecks coming in – we all know people like that – wouldn’t he take his somehow-accrued $10k and spend it on booze and food and clothes and all other manner of things that actually provide some happiness? As a proud conspiracy theorist hater, I find the “plant” theory silly, but there is something fishy going on here.

And then! A few days ago, Greene went on Olbermann and basically answered each of Ken’s questions with essentially a sideways glance and a lazy shrug. You could have pulled a demented homeless war veteran off the street and pumped him full of Ambien and he would have been more engaging than this guy.

As of now, that is where we stand. I can’t wait to get to the bottom of this one. Stay tuned to Daily Intel, or here, for the conclusion.


One Response to “The mysterious story of Alvin Greene”

  1. B. June 15, 2010 at 9:06 am #

    A must-read for those interested in the Greene saga:

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