In which I channel FJM on a guy who tried to channel FJM

25 Mar

A couple weeks back, sportswriter and lover of commas and colons Will Leitch wrote a season preview of the Yankees on Deadspin. Shortly after, a writer from the Yanks Go Yard blog tried to show his displeasure with Will’s article by ripping it in the manner of FireJoeMorgan.

It failed badly. So very badly. Let us count the ways.

(I’ll start by saying I know full well this tripe isn’t worth my time. Just can’t help myself, and besides, I’m sure you adults with functioning brains and a nominal understanding of baseball will get a laugh out of this guy’s devastating “takedown.”)

Will’s original point:

I never quite understand when a baseball team says a guy just “isn’t a good fit.”

Yanks Go Yard response:

Are you stupid? Maybe the guy is a self-important asshole and nobody likes him. Maybe he brings so much negativity to the clubhouse that it takes a toll on the other players/coaches/manager. Maybe a pitcher’s shitty clubhouse demeanor wears on teammates and they don’t feel like laying out for a fly ball. Maybe they resent a player’s high salary/contract demands and that divides the clubhouse. Maybe a player just signed a big deal and doesn’t feel like legging out a ground ball. Maybe a player is just lazy (like Robby Cano, j/k) and doesn’t mesh well. Can you understand that?

My response to the response:

Did you just call another person stupid and then write one of the stupidest rants of all time? [Re-reading] Yes, it appears you did. Look, friend, I hate — and I mean it, hate — when people play the “you never played the game” card … but have you, like, ever talked to anyone who played baseball, or ever read any articles or watched interviews with players or perhaps just sat back and gave even five seconds of thought about how the sport of baseball is actually played? My guess is no, because anyone who has done even one of those things wouldn’t even think, much less write, this sentence: “Maybe a pitcher’s shitty clubhouse demeanor wears on teammates and they don’t feel like laying out for a fly ball.”

I’ve read that sentence about a dozen times, and I still can’t tell if you were joking. I really hope so.

Because I can say with 100% confidence that no baseball player above 10 years old has ever done that, especially not professional athletes who have devoted their entire lives to improving upon their sport. Oooh, I bet if I dive I can make this catch. On second thought, fuck that. Kevin was being a real dick during BP this morning. Gonna let this one roll to the wall.

You just wrote the exact opposite of every point made on FireJoeMorgan. How you don’t realize this honestly makes me a little sad.

Will’s original point:

This is baseball, in which one man stands at the plate, facing another man, and no one else is particularly involved at all.

Yanks Go Yard response:

Except for the manager. Imagine a situation where Player X is in a contract year and wants to build up his stats to secure a big deal in the offseason. Player X is at bat with a runner on second and less than two outs — a situation where you want to ground the ball to the right side to advance the runner. However, Player X doesn’t want to do that in a contract year so he swings away and makes an out, which eventually goes to thwart the RISP. Do you think the rest of the team will be happy he did that?

My response to the response:

Yes, we will have to “imagine” this situation since it exists almost solely in your fantasyland.

(1) “Building up stats” should be a player’s goal at all times, contract year or no, because it shows how good of a player he is. Either become the first person in history to prove that intangibles matter or shut up about them already.

(2) Who says that Player X should be sacrificing his at-bat just to move a runner over? You and your little league coach? 95% of the time you want your player trying to get on base in that situation. Every goddamn fan born after 1930 knows that by now. Even my grandpa thinks you’re old-fashioned.

Will’s original sentence:

The ability to interact with others, whether it’s one’s teammates, one’s fans, or one’s city, strikes me as irrelevant. If you are unable to block out the clutter that surrounds you when you are at the plate or on the mound, it is bewildering that you could reach the Major Leagues in the first place.

Yanks Go Yard response:

Really? Ask Milton Bradley what he thinks about that statement. Maybe if fans are shouting racial slurs (which has been known to happen once or twice at Yankee Stadium) or other demeaning remarks at a player — or the papers are slamming said player for lack of productivity — it inhibits his ability to lay off the “1-2 slider in the dirt”.

My response to the response:

We’re just going to have to disagree on this point. If you are easily distracted by trash talking — or, um, newspaper articles? — there is a good chance you won’t make it past high school baseball. And, no, I will not ask Milton Bradley, but in my estimation his 115+ career OPS after almost 4,000 plate appearances seems to pretty clearly show he has no problems focusing at the plate. (And, minus 1,000 debate points for you. Will never claimed there are no players who get distracted, simply that it was bewildering they made the majors. You responded by citing one player.)

There is more to laugh at, but honestly those first few points were so mind-numbingly moronic that I fear I’ll go insane if I continue reading. Point is, this was perhaps the most ironic article I have ever read.

I just wish Ken Tremendous would step in to give it the skewering it deserves. I wasn’t made for this.

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