A great way to cut down on HR expenses

10 Mar

Companies of the world: are you tired of a bunch of stupid unemployed slackers constantly submitting their resumes and completing applications in the hopes of working for your vaunted organization?

If so, have I got the solution for you: place an article on your Careers page publicizing your implementation of this nifty little application:

Japanese phone maker KDDI has developed a mobile phone that analyzes users’ movements, beaming that information back to the corporate office.

[…]

Specialized software can identify several distinct movements, including walking, stair-climbing, and even cleaning. On-the-job slackers, the jig is up.

The system employs the accelerometers that are now standard in many mobile handsets to determine what sort of tasks workers are performing. And it doesn’t just identify broad categories of movements; the software can identify if a cleaning worker is scrubbing, sweeping, or even bending and lifting to empty a trash bin.

Combine this device with a robust internet-tracking system, and you have potentially made every prospective employee on the planet hate your Orwellian-loving guts. Success! That oughta take care of all that time-consuming employee demand.

You are welcome.

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