Bad sportswriting is alive and well

5 Jan

With the continued embracing of statistical analysis by most sports journalists, it’s natural for those of us who get a kick out of asinine arguments presented by dumb old writers to worry that bad sportswriting may become a thing of the past.

I count myself among the many people formerly brought to near-orgasm whenever there was a new takedown from the Fire Joe Morgan proprietors (now and forever my favorite website of all time), but, of late, it seems the sportswriters are wising up, learning anew, thinking critically, embarrassing themselves less and less often. It’s a goddamn shame.

Let us all take solace, then, in the brilliance of one Jon Heyman, a man who decided to publish his Hall of Fame ballot. Being that the ballot was full of hilariously idiotic choices, the nerdy masses went berserker on him (which was a treat). And since he’s an active tweeter, he directly addressed many of his detractors head on (which was sublime). And when that wasn’t enough, he decided to go ahead and write a full column defending his choices.

This is where Mr. Heyman entered full-on batshit territory. ‘Twas enough to make any lunatic-loving heart melt. Craig Calcaterrra did us all the grand service of FireJoeMorganing the column for us, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt the hilarity of Heyman’s stubborn pseudo-arguments and giving this numbers lover a full-on geek-boner.

Mr. Heyman, I say to you: god bless your soul for complaining about being called an idiot, then bravely pushing forward to submit the most idiotic drivel we’ve read in a fortnight. As one of the millions of people who love bad sportswriting, you have delivered all I could have asked for and more.

You are doing the lord’s work, good man, and I just pray you have the seeds (and shit-for-brains) to keep it up. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

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