Halloween is coming up this weekend, and – I’m sorry to be reporting this – I am not excited. Quite the opposite, really. I hate Halloween. People of the world, I hereby declare: I am a Halloween Hater.
Don’t think I’m happy about it. I would like nothing more than to enjoy this ridiculous holiday just like everyone else; if for no other reason than because I’m sick of annoying my friends with my relentless bitching. But it’s not like I can just choose to like Halloween. It’s not that simple.
For one, I’m a comedy snob. Always have been, always will be. I hate “The Family Guy,” hate “Caddyshack,” I can barely tolerate SNL, I prefer the UK’s version of “The Office” over ours, I think Will Ferrell’s movies are generally lame, and hearing the voices of Larry the Cable Guy, Frank Caliendo or Jeff Dunham immediately puts me in a bad mood. There, I’ve said it. (Let us never speak of this again.)
And because of this affliction, Halloween is a painful experience; an evening that consists of every person on the planet telling an unoriginal joke over and over again.
Why? Because your costume fucking sucks. I’m sorry, but it does. There are a million other people dressing up as the Balloon Boy, as a zombie Michael Jackson, and as Kate with her 8 kids in tow, just as in past years with Sarah Palin, some version of Obama, the dick in the box, etc. You are not special. You chose a topical costume; therefore you chose to be unoriginal. That is just how it goes, and I for one do not enjoy fake laughing at these shitty ideas for costumes. Yeah, I get it. A zombie. Good one. Yes, you are very funny.
(I know I sound like a prick right now, and, again, I apologize. Just letting it all out. This is very therapeutic, even if I am possibly losing readers and maybe even friends in the process. OK, deep inhale, and…)
Same goes with every other supposedly “clever” costume – I don’t care how genius you think it is, but it’s been done before. Yes it has. Many, many times, by any number of lame, unfunny people. Stop bragging about how witty you are. It’s annoying. And false.
The second problem here, beyond the snobbery, is my inability as an adult to just willingly dress like an idiot. It’s a real shame, and something I thought I would grow out of, but it seems to be here to stay. I’m not saying I’m shallow – I basically abhor fashion – but I can’t feel comfortable looking stupid for an entire evening just because everyone else is doing it. That is not my idea of a good time (though, again, I wish it were).
Now, to be fair, I will allow that there are exceptions to my passionate hatred of Halloween. You could, for one, dress in a standard costume that is mildly funny without looking overly desperate. These are your outfits seen at many a party. Doctor, superhero, what have you.
I can make my peace with that. I totally understand avoiding the party-pooper label by choosing a plain-Jane costume and foregoing the “topical”/totally-clever-except-not-at-all angle…but, while I’m not exactly hating this concept, I’m not seeing the fun in it either. You show up to a party, politely react to your friends’ zany costumes, and 30 seconds later you’re just the same people you are every day of the year, except now you are uncomfortable and look ridiculous.
And, of course, if you are lucky enough to attend a party in which two people get into a brawl while wearing silly costumes, well…all bets are off. No comedy snob in the world could resist the sight of two wasted jackasses rolling around on the ground – one cross-dressed as a slutty nurse and the other as Robin Hood – and not have their heart melt in delight. In that rarest of rare instance, I love Halloween. The highest of high comedy.
But that almost never happens, goddammit. So I’d much rather renounce this holiday – or, rather, consider it a kids-only event – and have a normal party that doesn’t include people draping themselves in a visual equivalent of a bad joke.
But I appear to be alone in this, because to date I have yet to meet another Halloween Hater. It’s just me. And it’s no fun at all.