Recently, a celebrity reported he recently snorted cocaine at a White House Correspondents Dinner, less than 50 feet away from President Obama. He promised it was not an exaggeration, claiming he had the pictures to prove it, and that his motive was to one-up a buddy with whom he’d been embroiled in a competition to see who could pull off the most outlandish act.
If I give you a list of names, who do you think did this? Would it be…
A. Artie Lange
B. Tucker Max
C. Andy Dick
D. Bam Margera
Sadly, it’s none of these morons (those were the first four potential offenders I thought of, for some reason), but rather David Cross. As you may know, Cross has been somewhat a hero of mine for many years, a guy who has consistently delivered some of the smartest stand-up comedy I’ve ever seen – spot-on social commentary as intelligent as it is hilarious. Making a point is one thing, making people laugh is another – only a select few people can do both. Cross is on that short list. I have read everything he’s ever written, and own his comedy albums, his documentary and every Mr. Show DVD. There are very few artists out there I respect and admire more than Cross.
But if this is true…well, this forever alters my opinion of the guy. Am I being dramatic? I am probably being dramatic. I shouldn’t care this much. Big deal, right? Right. Who cares.
But…something about it just irks me. It’s not that I’m crying disrespect to our beloved President, it’s not that I’m anti-drug. Rather, the whole episode is so goddamn juvenile, so staggeringly unfunny. You did coke near the President? Good for you. This is the type of shit that lame-ass frat boys should be bragging about, and David Cross is the guy that should be making fun of them. That is how it’s supposed to work.
And, you know, maybe this entire thing was a gag and I’m not getting the joke — which is very possible; I wasn’t in person to hear it and don’t know the context. But if not, well, it’s safe to say my storied mancrush on David Cross has come to an end.