Thursday swag

4 Jun

{+} I’m not sure if this is feasible — or perhaps it’s already a reality — but are we allowed to enact a law against frivolous lawsuits asking for a ridiculous amount of money for something relatively harmless? Because I’ve got a doozy for you. It seems a retired NYPD cop is suing a tuna company for a bone found in his sandwich a couple years back. Which is fine. Not fine? That he’s asking for $100,000, evidently because:

The suit says McKenna, who can no longer stand the smell or taste of tuna, suffered “permanent and emotional pain and suffering” and was “in imminent fear of losing his life.”

Send this man to jail just for being an unethical dicknose.

———-

{+} The AP is reporting a sad story of a woman living in fear after her ex-boyfriend, recently released from prison after serving ten years for pounding the crap out of her, who penned a letter while in the clink warning her he was going to kill her and her children once he was free.

The saddest part of this story, however, is that Ashley Judd reportedly paid the man $50,000 to go through with the murder, so she can finally find work again by starring in the eventual movie.

———-

{+} I shamefully don’t watch Best Week Ever as often as I should, but I have to say I’m going to miss it even more after reading this New York Magazine interview with Paul F. Tompkins and Doug Benson ruminating on the potential biggest stories during the summer: 

G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA

August 7

The director of the Mummy films tries for another FX-intensive summer franchise, adapting the action-figure line.

PFT: The time has passed for when I would have found this prospect very exciting. As a 40-year-old man, I can’t think of any toy that, if they brought it to life now, I’d be like, “Oh, yeah. I’m gonna see those things talk to each other!” This is one of those movies where, if I don’t see it the day it comes out, I’ll never see it. 

DB: I didn’t even pay to see it yet, and I want my money back.

DAUGHTRY, “NO SURPRISE”

Sony BMG

Yet another Idol single, this one a turgid dirge from alarmingly multiplatinum runner-up Chris Daughtry.

PFT: I always feel bad for the other people in this band. Frank Sinatra wouldn’t go out with a twenty-piece orchestra and say, “We’re Sinatra.” Just say you’re Chris Daughtry. 

DB: “I used to play in Manilow, and I was in that band Cher for a while.” 

PFT: This is perfectly tolerable music—it’s not awful, but it’s not enjoyable. I don’t think it has “song of the summer” potential.

DB: It’s not as anthemic as previous Daughtry outings.

PFT: Can you call songs “outings”?

INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS

August 21

Quentin Tarantino’s long-anticipated Nazi caper drew mixed reviews at Cannes, but how could a Brad Pitt–Cloris Leachman team-up be missable?

DB: Tarantino. There’s hardly a more talented and annoying person alive. 

PFT: Has he been working on this for a decade?

DB: Yeah, he got distracted by the amazingness that is Grindhouse

PFT: I like that they throw Hitler in there at the end, like, “Special appearance by Hitler!” 

DB: Do you think there’ll be a one-eyed Tom Cruise cameo? 

PFT: [Someone] told me that you can only enjoy Valkyrie if you imagine it’s actually Tom Cruise going back in time to kill Hitler. 

DB: Because he would do that if he could. I could see Tom Cruise in story meetings going, “Are you guys sure I can’t succeed in killing Hitler? Why do I have to fail?”

I could prepare notes for a month and not come up with anything as funny as their off-the-cuff comments. Dammit.

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