Hallefrakkinlujah, it’s Opening Day. Furthermore, I scored some sweet tix to the Twins game. Words can’t describe my excitement, but I think the fact that I duct-taped my unit to my leg this morning pretty much says it all.
And while I’m sure you couldn’t possibly care less, I’ve decided to jot down my predictions on the season. Why? I have no idea, but if you haven’t had your fill of the predictions noted on every other website ever created, click below to laugh at my supposed expertise.
1. Boston Red Sox – By my count, they have five viable candidates for MVP (Pedroia, Ortiz, Youkilis, Drew, and possibly even Bay) and three for the Cy Young (Beckett, Lester, Dice-K). Plus a super-dreamy GM who can do no wrong. Consider me sold.
2. Tampa Bay Rays – They look to be as formidable as last year, but the experts are predicting a bit of a drop-off. Works for me.
3. New York Yankees – An aging lineup and the CC/AJ signings make the Yankees all of a sudden pitching-centric. I’m betting on a number of injuries, but if they get and stay healthy, watch out. Fuck.
4. Toronto Blue Jays – The outlook is a .500 season at best. For about the 15th year in a row. I imagine being a Blue Jay fan kind of blows.
5. Baltimore Orioles – I’m pretty sure the only thing anyone cares about regarding the Orioles is the impending emergence of super-prospect catcher Matt Wieters. Look for him to overtake SportsCenter around mid-May, a la Evan Longoria last season.
1. Minnesota Twins – Bold prediction of the year: Kevin Slowey will be in the top 5 of Cy Young votes.
2. Cleveland Indians – Some talent, little depth. Though I can’t hardly wait to see if Cliff Lee’s deal with the devil was just a one-year contract.
3. Detroit Tigers – Meh.
4. Chicago White Sox – I’m not sure how these guys can compete. Though the roster seems as easily hatable as years’ past, which is just excellent.
5. Kansas City Royals – A lineup of free-swinging underachievers and no depth in the pitching rotation means another painful summer for everyone’s favorite writer Joe Posnanski.
1. Oakland A’s – Why not? A decent lineup in a crappy division, and the best GM in baseball. I smell a strong second-half run led by Jason Giambi, enjoying a renaissance season solely on account of being able to once again grow out his beautiful locks.
2. Los Angeles Angels – I’m sensing a down year. They’re getting older and are due for some good ol’ underachieving. Here’s hoping coach Mike Scioscia bunts and hit-and-runs his team to death, yet again.
3. Seattle Mariners – I’ll say it again, Ichiro is the most overrated player in the league (even without the ulcer). Take your singles and head to third place where you belong.
4. Texas Rangers – Josh Hamilton, Chris Davis and no one else worth mentioning.
1. New York Mets – Let this be like the third year in a row I’ve incorrectly tabbed the Metropolitans as first-placers. I love being wrong, evidently.
2. Philadelphia Phillies – Wild card lock. Probably.
3. Florida Marlins – Young and talented, as usual. I have no trouble envisioning the Marlins in the playoffs, nor would I be shocked to see them end up in the cellar.
4. Washington – Crappy back end of rotation, but they should be much improved over last year.
5. Atlanta – Francouer in your lineup + Glavine in your rotation = trouble. Consider the Atlanta dominance officially kaput.
1. Cubs – Signed Milton Bradley and Rich Harden will be around from the get-go. Conclusion: the Cubbies should be even better than last year.
2. Cardinals – I know that the National League more or less sucks, but I still can’t trust Kyle Lohse as a legitimate #3 starter. I’m pegging these guys as .500 at best.
3. Brewers – The sexy lineup can’t make up for the shaky back-end of the rotation.
4. Reds – Promising, but no.
5. Pirates – I’ll admit here and now that the Pirates are my new favorite MLB team, due solely to the number-crunching mentality of new GM Neal Huntington. They’ll probably suck this year, but my guess is not for long.
6. Astros – Someone has to finish last. How ‘bout these guys.
1. Arizona – If Max Scherzer can get right, the rotation looks rather nasty. Lots of question marks, but I hate the Dodgers and am therefore pulling for the D-Backs out of spite.
2. LA Dodgers – A lineup of geriatrics and a wishy-washy rotation spells underachievers. At least I hope.
3. San Francisco – I can’t see these guys not being terrible, but I’m sticking them in third place by default; the other teams behind them look to be even worse.
4. Colorado – (shrugging.)
5. San Diego – (shaking head.)
Twins over Rays
Red Sox over A’s
Red Sox over Twins
Mets over Diamondbacks
Cubs over Phillies
Cubs over Mets
Cubs over Red Sox