Great moments in stand-up comedy

23 Nov

I accidentally stumbled upon a Bill Engvall special on Comedy Central this weekend, and though I only watched about three minutes before changing the channel to avoid having my head explode, I feel confident stating it was the worst three minutes in stand-up comedy history. I tracked down the video and transcribed the bit in question, so you can feel my pain. You’re welcome! Here:

Boobs are the center of power. Boobs can make a six-month-old baby and a 65-year-old man both act the same way. And I’m a big fan. Oh, I love ‘em! And I ain’t picky, neither. I hate when I hear guys say “I hate little boobs.” I don’t care. Big boobs, little boobs, saggy boobs, perky boobs – you could have boobs that look like nanners [ed. note: ???], I don’t give a damn.

They’re the perfect toy! You can squish ‘em, mush ‘em, poof! They pop right back out! You can’t even break ‘em. Oh, they’re amazing. Boobs can make a long trip seem short, make a bad day seem great.

You could be having a really bad day. Boss been chewin’ on you all day long, girl sitting next to you shows you her boobs and you’ll be like, “this day was GREAT!” You know what? Every year we are celebrating Boobie Day on this day right here. Oh man, I LOVE ‘em.

God was having himself a good day when he made boobs.  He must have stepped back from Eve and just went, “Yes ma’am. Those will work.” God, if I had boobs, whoo….y’all’d be staring at an empty stage, I’ll guaran-damn-tee you that. You’d be driving all over Austin, “where’s Ingvall at?” “He’s in his room, playing with his boobs, he won’t open the door!” And if they was made out of Slim Jims…oh hell. I’ma tell you right now: you could put a boobie Slim Jim on the top of your head, your tongue will beat your brains out trying to get at it.

Bland, offensively unfunny and making absolutely no sense whatsoever. Instant classic.

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6 Responses to “Great moments in stand-up comedy”

  1. A.B. November 23, 2008 at 8:29 pm #

    Why would anyone want to break a boob? Unless that boob was Bill Engvall.

    Also, breasts made out of Slim Jims? Perplexing.

  2. Gates November 23, 2008 at 9:43 pm #

    That was awesome.

  3. Murph November 24, 2008 at 5:32 am #

    On the other side of the spectrum I watched about 30 minutes of Ricky Gervais’ HBO Special “Out of England”…

    Some of the best stand-up I have ever watched.

  4. RandBall's Stu November 24, 2008 at 8:33 am #

    Nanners=bananas.

    The More You Know.

  5. BreAnne November 24, 2008 at 12:11 pm #

    I don’t get it…

  6. RandBall's Stu November 24, 2008 at 1:00 pm #

    That said, the Colbert Christmas special was pretty great.

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