The Cooler: the aftermath of history

6 Nov

Friends of mine will claim I am the most fervent Obama supporter amongst us all. It’s true. I won’t deny it. So after he won the election, I tried over and again to write something, anything, of significance, if for no reason than to look back so many years from now to read what I was thinking at the time. Well, it didn’t happen. Everything felt melodramatic and useless, both too big and too small at the same time. So, forget it. I believe he’s already an American hero for his power to inspire, his vision, his calm under pressure, all that. He has a near-impossible challenge ahead of him, with the state of our country as it is, but my feeling is no one is more capable, more intellectual, more devoted, and more prepared to meet that challenge than Barack. Time will tell.


In light of the election, let’s review a smattering of stories and links that caught my eye these past few days:

The Onion says it better and funnier than any of us could have. Shocker.

“Today the American people have made their voices heard, and they have said, ‘Things are finally as terrible as we’re willing to tolerate,” said Obama, addressing a crowd of unemployed, uninsured, and debt-ridden supporters. “To elect a black man, in this country, and at this time—these last eight years must have really broken you.”


Here’s a transcript of McCain’s gracious concession speech. So good. Also, I can’t get enough of the “if he would have been this gracious throughout the campaign, he would have won the election!” claims. Where have we heard that before? Oh, right: after every concession speech ever. It’s easy to be cordial when you’ve lost. Believe me. I lose at shit pretty much constantly.


You know who made a great point about Obama’s victory? Michael Irvin. No, seriously, stop laughing. He did. It was smart and eloquent and everything.

“What a historical moment that was last night. … From an African-American standpoint, I watched my people — watched my people — celebrate the not guilty verdict of O.J. Simpson. They were so hungry for a victory of some kind that they celebrated — we celebrated — the verdict of O.J. And I was thinking to myself, ‘Two people are dead. Two people are dead’ Now, I’m not talking about my people, I’m explaining them here. They were just so hungry to say ‘We have a victory.’ And I cringe when I even think about that.

“But last night I watched a celebration. A real celebration. A real celebration, and it was a celebration for everybody, and everybody celebrated, and they kept showing this shot, and I was watching, of this little black girl and this little white girl, just sitting there crying together, and I thought, wow. I thought about Martin Luther King and his ‘I Have a Dream’ speech, and I thought about him saying, black kids and white kids playing together. …

“Last night we removed all differences and became just one, and I thought that was a beautiful thing. It was just a beautiful thing. I stood here with my kids, we watched it and we cried and we prayed.”

See? Not bad.


This is entirely unfair, I realize, but I’ll have you know Vikings defensive lineman Jared Allen is an economic genius. Said Allen about Obama’s victory, “Our paychecks will be cut in half.” Awesome, Jared, thanks for weighing in. But – and not to nitpick here – just so you know, most of us consider a 4.6% tax hike as just a shade under being cut in half. When you’re, like, counting, you know? So you say the number 4, and then you keep on counting, and it takes kind of a long time to get to the number 50. You know? They are actually vastly different numbers. I realize I’m splitting hairs here, broham, just wanted to let you know that some nerdy economist types may have the lame-ass audacity to correct that statement every once in a while. Providing they’re not within physical proximity, of course; you’re pretty large.

(Seriously, Jared, don’t fret. The 39.6% threshold is the same number that Clinton enacted, and I’m abso-fucking-lutely positive the rich folk had a grand old time under his watch. You’ll be alright. And, if times do get tough, you could try to adopt the outlook of B’s new mancrush Kris Jenkins, who in the same article that showed your economic enlightenment was quoted as saying, “I can’t be selfish enough to think about keeping all of my money and just being in a better tax bracket because I have to be sure that I do my part for the world to be a better place for my kids.”)


Lost in all the hubbub: Massachusetts decriminalized marijuana! I almost feel bad for the old, straight-laced racists of the country who thought even before November 4th that the world was going straight to hell. Tough week for you guys.


I’m guessing (hoping) we hear more in the upcoming days about the Alaska voting turnout. Record-breaking voting numbers all over the country, their own Governor on the ticket, and there’s an 11% drop in voting? Wait a tic. Is something fishy going on up there? I’m not saying, I’m just saying.

OK, that’s a lie. I am saying. Fishy. Someone look into that.


Hate to end it on a downer note, but, just in case you weren’t convinced, Ralph Nader is a senile prick who doesn’t understand hate speech even when it’s spewing out his own mouth. Complete asshole.

2 Responses to “The Cooler: the aftermath of history”

  1. Joel November 7, 2008 at 12:33 am #

    Wow. Hadn’t seen that Nader clip. Props to Fox and Shep Smith for rightfully ripping him a new asshole.

  2. RandBall's Stu November 7, 2008 at 7:46 pm #

    I am happy about this.

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