Urban legend or true story? You make the call

10 Sep

My associate Murph told a story recently that sounded decidedly urban legendesque, and I refused to believe it. Ever since, he’s been pinky-swearing like a motherfucker that it’s true, so I thought I’d recount the tale for you kind readers and let you be the judge. Murph, if I may:

Many years ago, a young Murph, likely sporting Zubaz and a snap bracelet, was on a family vacation in South Dakota. They decided to go to one of those drive-up zoos where animals walk up to your car and eat out of your hand. Grandpa was driving and Dad was sitting shotgun. During the course of the excursion, the rascal boys in the backseat kept reaching up front and messing with Grandpa’s dashboard compass, to the point where Dad finally snatched the compass off the dash and put it away. Grandpa didn’t notice right away, but when he finally realized the missing accessory, he inquired as to its whereabouts. Dad decided to joke with his father-in-law and pointed out one of the nearby wild donkeys – seriously, there are wild donkeys in SD, and they will eat anything. Like, you could throw a folding chair out the window and they would eat it – and mentioned that the donkey had eaten it during its last feeding. Grandpa then decided to grab a handful of the zoo food in an attempt to entice the allegedly compass-pilfering animal. When the suspect arrived at the driver’s side window, ol’ PopPop slowly pulled his hand back, and when the donkey finally had his entire head inside the vehicle, the old man wound up and punched him square in the face.

Punched the donkey. In the face.

—–

So, let’s review. Funny? Aw hells yeah. But true? I’m not so sure. I mean, come on, a donkey punch? That’s just too damn perfect.

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7 Responses to “Urban legend or true story? You make the call”

  1. Stinger September 11, 2008 at 10:40 am #

    While I’ve not met Bill, the above mentioned grandfather, I have heard more stories about this man than the mind can imagine and several have involved some rough-housing.

    In his working days, he was a disciplinarian at a local boys school, and after dealing with misfit boys for most of his life, can you blame him for knocking a donkey? I mean those dashboard compasses were the most prized possessions of 70’s and 80’s era grandfathers, and come on, he thought the thing ate it. Not to mention the years of great stories he knew it would provide his grandsons, who would inevitably grow into men that depended daily on their insatiable desire to be the “funny guy.”

    He was teaching everyone in the car that day an important lesson, “Don’t lie, eat my collectors dash compass, and if you’re going to try to be funny some day, you’d better have some damn good material to back it up.” I say let the punishment fit the crime, that donkey deserved it.

    Now the wall pin choke hold Murph’s dad received the first time he met Bill while on a date with Murph’s mom…I’ll let you be the judge of that.

  2. Murph September 11, 2008 at 1:02 pm #

    I can’t believe you doubted the validity of this story.

    Other great tidbits about Grandpa Bill…

    – He made us call him “Uncle Bill” in public if women were around
    – When the grandchildren turned 12 he gave each of us a pocket knife that he had confiscated from the hoodlums at the boy’s school. No joke, he had a giant box of knives
    – He was a huge road hunter. Meaning he would drive around with a shotgun and when he saw pheasants, quails, or any heart-beating (non-human) animal he would shoot it from the car and put the carcass in the trunk
    – Not only did he put my father in a choke hold, he also performed said maneuver on all of my mom’s sister’s husbands (4 in all)…They all claim to have deserved it.
    – He wore cowboy boots and a fedora everyday
    – His name was John, but didn’t like it after he had heard the toilet referred to as such
    – Before my time, my dad spent many of Saturday’s bar hoping w/ him (riding bitch on my grandpa’s motorcycle)

    He was a great guy…I miss the hell out of him

  3. Cool Rut September 11, 2008 at 1:23 pm #

    I started that story in 1998 and have been waiting for it to return to me. Never would have thought it would take this long.

    My wife and I were in South Dakota a few summers ago and were in Custer State Park and a herd of bison and some wild donkeys were in the road, so all the tourists were stopped and observing. The sign next to my car said something like-”Wild Animals-Do not leave car”. Well the fine folks in front of us thought it was okay for their 12 year old (est.) to get out and feed the donkey some circus peanuts. Well he soon had the whole herd around him. When he ignored this one donkey a bit too long it proceeded to chase him down a hill, knocked him over and stood over him taunting him-he was blowing out his lips, his reddish thing started to come out and I thought I was going to see a show-similar to the one I paid money for in Mexico. Anyway long story short-the kid got up squealing like a darn baby with said donkey right on his tail. He made it to the car unharmed.

  4. B. September 11, 2008 at 2:07 pm #

    This is already my favorite comment thread ever.

  5. Cool Rut September 11, 2008 at 3:11 pm #

    Murph-your aunt sounds fun-bet she learned a thing or two having 4 husbands-is she single and hot?

  6. RandBall's Stu September 11, 2008 at 3:34 pm #

    I’ll just note that I’ve used “Donkey Punch” as a fantasy football team name more than once. Simple, effective, meets most space limits.

  7. Murph September 11, 2008 at 3:35 pm #

    She obviously is not single…She has 4 husands.

    Very hot though.

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