I was originally planning on titling this post with the same “People I Love” phrase that I used for the Volkswagen Apologists write-up, with the intention of creating a of series of innocuous jabs at the various sub-cultures of our society.
Didn’t take. I couldn’t bring myself to use the word “love” even in jest, because there is no room for jokes or lightheartedness of any kind when discussing “busy road cyclists.” Because I detest them.
You know who these people are. The cyclists who decide they can ride their bike down the side of – even middle, if they’re that rare kind of asshole – of busy public streets, holding up traffic and inducing in drivers flights of both panic (“oh my god, if this guy falls I will run him over”) and rage (“I hope this motherfucker falls, because then I get to run him over”). I hate you people. I don’t care if there are rules stating you shouldn’t be riding on the sidewalks; that maybe the side of the road is your designated riding area. Get on the sidewalk anyway, you overly-fit pricks. You have no idea how much every non-cyclist hates you.
It’s universal, I promise. You may very well be a nice person (I’m speaking directly to my father here, because I know he’s into biking; Dad, you aren’t one of these culprits, are you?), but when you’re riding that closely to automobiles, on public streets, causing traffic jams, I promise you everyone on the planet hates your guts.
Though, I may have it worse than most. I’ll admit that. It’s an absolute day-ruiner for me, coming upon a busy road cyclist. I could be driving a Jaquar, listening to Motown, on my way to cash a million dollar check with my girlfriend riding shotgun and Adrienne Lima in the backseat (just for looks, honest!) with the sunroof open on the sunniest fucking day of the goddamn year, and if I have to do the slow-drive/swerve thing to protect against nailing this bastard cyclist, there goes the day. Ruined.
And don’t give me this “I have just as much a right to the road as cars” BS. I’m not talking about the law here. I’m talking about being a decent member of society. You don’t drive in the left lane going under the speed limit, you don’t cut in line, you don’t stiff the server, and you don’t ride your goddamn bicycle on the road when cars are actually trying to get somewhere. Get on the sidewalk, get to a park, or find a trail. Point is, keep away from the roads.
Unless you want me to run you over. Because one of these days, I swear, it’s going to happen. (Except for you dad. Maybe.)