People I hate: busy road cyclists

20 Aug

I was originally planning on titling this post with the same “People I Love” phrase that I used for the Volkswagen Apologists write-up, with the intention of creating a of series of innocuous jabs at the various sub-cultures of our society.

Didn’t take. I couldn’t bring myself to use the word “love” even in jest, because there is no room for jokes or lightheartedness of any kind when discussing “busy road cyclists.” Because I detest them.

You know who these people are. The cyclists who decide they can ride their bike down the side of – even middle, if they’re that rare kind of asshole – of busy public streets, holding up traffic and inducing in drivers flights of both panic (“oh my god, if this guy falls I will run him over”) and rage (“I hope this motherfucker falls, because then I get to run him over”). I hate you people. I don’t care if there are rules stating you shouldn’t be riding on the sidewalks; that maybe the side of the road is your designated riding area. Get on the sidewalk anyway, you overly-fit pricks. You have no idea how much every non-cyclist hates you.

It’s universal, I promise. You may very well be a nice person (I’m speaking directly to my father here, because I know he’s into biking; Dad, you aren’t one of these culprits, are you?), but when you’re riding that closely to automobiles, on public streets, causing traffic jams, I promise you everyone on the planet hates your guts.

Though, I may have it worse than most. I’ll admit that. It’s an absolute day-ruiner for me, coming upon a busy road cyclist. I could be driving a Jaquar, listening to Motown, on my way to cash a million dollar check with my girlfriend riding shotgun and Adrienne Lima in the backseat (just for looks, honest!) with the sunroof open on the sunniest fucking day of the goddamn year, and if I have to do the slow-drive/swerve thing to protect against nailing this bastard cyclist, there goes the day. Ruined.

And don’t give me this “I have just as much a right to the road as cars” BS. I’m not talking about the law here. I’m talking about being a decent member of society. You don’t drive in the left lane going under the speed limit, you don’t cut in line, you don’t stiff the server, and you don’t ride your goddamn bicycle on the road when cars are actually trying to get somewhere. Get on the sidewalk, get to a park, or find a trail. Point is, keep away from the roads.

Unless you want me to run you over. Because one of these days, I swear, it’s going to happen. (Except for you dad. Maybe.)

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43 Responses to “People I hate: busy road cyclists”

  1. Gates August 20, 2008 at 1:12 am #

    Have you ever been taking a right turn off of a busy street, notice a biker riding on the sidewalk and wonder “I wonder if that biker is going to have enough brains to stop and their red light, my green light?” Of course, they don’t, and you almost kill them, resulting in a dirty look from the biker.

    One time I was driving westbound on Highway 7 in SLP, approaching the Blake Rd. crossing (right across from Knollwood Mall). The light was green for the entire 45 seconds I was approaching the light. Just about as I get to Blake Rd. (roughly 500 ft. away, or 5 seconds I suppose), a biker comes out of nowhere, zipping across Hwy. 7 towards the mall. If I was 5 seconds ahead of my pace I certainly would have killed this person. I screamed “what the fuck are you doing?” or something to that effect (affect?), not neccessarily at the biker, but just to myself since it scared the shit out of me. I didn’t realize the window was down and as I drove by and looked in my rear view, I could see the biker turn his head and shout something back at me. Oh yeah, that’s right, you own the road mister. You’re such the better person for saving the environment that it gives you the right to run your own red light and straight across a busy highway. My wife can attest that my heart rate doubles when driving a car. There are many reasons for this; people driving 40 mph down 94, jackasses riding your ass with big, loud trucks with license plates that read “DARE U,” which I actually witnessed tonight and housewives driving SUV’s swerving into my lane while talking on their cell phones with plates that read “HOT MAMA,” another true story. But bikers top ’em all.

    I feel your pain.

  2. Numero 6 August 20, 2008 at 9:13 am #

    I’m all about being fit….but being alive is more important to me. There is only one thing that bothers me more in this situation and I’ll tell you what it is; It’s when I see the dumb-ass bikers driving down the shoulder of some busy street (most of the time I notice it on Minnetonka Blvd. just before Big Willow) and there is a friggen “bike” trail about 10 feet to their right. Yeah, that’s right, a BIKE TRAIL! Meaning, a trail for bikes.

    I’m so happy that us hard working, fat office chair sitting, non-bike riding people give up money out of our pay checks to pay taxes for those bike trails so that the people that would actually use them decide that they would rather flirt with death every time they are trying to prolong their lives. A bunch of oxy-morons if you ask me….

  3. BreAnne August 20, 2008 at 11:43 am #

    Now this is a cause I can get behind. There’s nothing worse than getting on a bus on the way home from work, and suddenly your bus is stuck behind some slow-ass biker that’s not even supposed to be on Nicollet Mall in the first place. 6pm, read the signs! Go to a road that has a bike lane specifically built for you! I just want to go home!

    Granted, I also get pissed when I’m walking down the sidewalk and some bike swoops up behind me, so that’s really no better.

    In summation: you do not own the roads, and you do not own the sidewalks. And wear a helmet, for God’s sake.

  4. mj August 20, 2008 at 3:03 pm #

    For the ones that ride dangerously alongside the driver or passenger side windows, you know, the one’s who’s asses are at eye level for us low-riders, we should start rolling our windows down and give them the old murph ass slap as we pass. Maybe then they’ll get it.

  5. cooler rut August 20, 2008 at 6:09 pm #

    i honestly have this conversation every time i come across this situation. That is when someone else is in the car with me. And if noone else is in the car with me then i wait for the next person that i see to vent about these annoying bastards. I hate them all very much!!

  6. roughkat August 21, 2008 at 9:25 am #

    Super Rookie wants you to watch out for bicycles…

    http://www.photobasement.com/watch-for-bikes/

  7. Spoon August 21, 2008 at 12:16 pm #

    B, if you want me to track down your father on his bike and run him over I will. Just give me a heads up. $50 for first time users.

  8. Dave MN August 21, 2008 at 2:52 pm #

    You haven’t followed through on your threat to put SuperRookie’s name in the place of every use of “biker” or “cyclist”…I expect follow through, damn it.

  9. DD August 21, 2008 at 3:46 pm #

    You know, as a bicyclist, I generally agree with the idea that it’s better to ride on the sidewalk. I’m a driver, too, and I hate having to pass bicyclists who take up most of the street. That’s why, if there’s no bike lane or bike shoulder, I just ride right on the sidewalk.

    BUT …

    I’ve been nearly hit far more riding on the sidewalk, by cars who refuse to even look at me heading straight for them. That’s the same in EITHER DIRECTION. So what’s your solution to that? What am I supposed to do? Just die?

    And I tell you what, I’ll go get a big semi-trailer, and I’ll find you in whatever little car you’re driving, and I’ll run you off the road while writing blog posts about how much I hate you for existing. Get over it.

  10. B. August 21, 2008 at 7:49 pm #

    You nearly get run over by cars while riding on the sidewalk? Yikes. Since you asked, I guess my solution would be to not live in a city that allows cars to drive on the sidewalk.

    And: are you (probably jokingly) suggesting you’ll run me over with a rented semi, just for writing something you’ve admitted to agreeing with? What a way to go.

  11. Dave MN August 21, 2008 at 8:05 pm #

    You know, aren’t cyclists supposed to get off of their bikes to go through crosswalks? If you want safety, you get off and walk across. If you want to risk being hit by a turning car that didn’t look for you riding through the intersection on the sidewalk, well, I figure that’s your choice.

    The problem with cyclists is that they want to be treated the same way as cars AND pedestrians. In doing so, they proceed to not follow many rules of the road at all, because they take the rules that are convenient to them and leave the rest.

  12. Cool Rut August 23, 2008 at 12:27 pm #

    Test.

  13. Cool Rut August 23, 2008 at 12:32 pm #

    Well I am flustered now. This is my third attempt to chime in. Anyway I went without a license for 6 months once. I was doing my paint shots while driving and got busted by an over-zealous 5’4″ cop. Wait, that was the first time-3 month revocation. The second time was when the police got upset when he put his lights on I decided to drive really fast for a few miles. Anyway the point of all this is that I rode my bike everywhere and almost exclusively on sidewalks. You would not believe the number of -“get on the street where you belong” and one-finger salutes that I received from walkers. Walkers are the real problem.

  14. B-2 August 28, 2008 at 9:25 am #

    Ok, first time commenter here… When I saw this story I couldn’t help but put my 2 cents in. I too am a busy road bicyclist hater. I never really used to be until one day a couple summers ago when I had a run in with a said bicyclist. I was on West River road on my way to pick up my kids from daycare after work, which isn’t the busiest of streets but it’s one lane and 50 mph. The car in front of me was taking a left turn and there was a lane for me to go around him at that turn, so I took advantage of it and went around him. As I got around I spotted a bicyclist out of nowhere. So maybe I got a little close to him, but not on purpose which apparently is what he thought I was doing. This man got so angry that he went ahead and spit on my car. Yes you read it right. The stupid bicyclist spit on my windshield for driving on the road that I’m supposed to be on. I still can’t believe it happened. From that day on I have been and always will be a busy road cyclist hater!

  15. Francesca August 30, 2008 at 12:11 pm #

    Simple solution, if society or the law or whatever, is going to allow people to put themselves in such stupid danger, fine- (Don’t get me started on jaywalkers either.) just let me hit the fu*kers; problem solved. Remove the double standards against motorists and I’m ok with it. No whining, no special noble cyclist victim cries. Be libertarian about it and hold these idiots responsible for getting hit. And then I as a motorist would have no problem. Of course letting me sell these fu*kers organs on ebay would be the cherry on the cake of such sensible responsiblity but not really necessary. Either get these entitlement complex ridden eco fascists off the road law enforcement or let me hit them, one or the other. This isn’t working.

  16. k August 5, 2009 at 3:51 pm #

    You know, you are the kind of assholes I hate. “The world will thank you?” Maybe the world would thank you from get out of your car that is horrible for the environment, guzzles gas, and that you most likely don’t car pool in. You know, its people with attitudes like you that are one of the reasons there are so many bicyclists are killed. There are stupid bicyclists, but there are also a plethora of stupid motorists. Big deal, go the hell around the bike. Get over it. I commute to and from every day, 25 miles each way on a bike. The reason? I was diagnosed with cancer, and had to pay for treatments and couldn’t afford my car. Its been better for my body, and the environment. Think before you talk, prick.

  17. B. August 5, 2009 at 5:54 pm #

    1. This is now officially my favorite comment thread of all time.

    2. No one ever said there wasn’t a plethora of stupid motorists. Who are you talking to? You can’t argue against a point that wasn’t technically made in the first place. That is cheating.

    3. Good for you for surviving cancer, and good for you biking to work. Unfortunately, some people in a world where they have to worry about such superficial things like appearance and body odor while at their jobs, so that isn’t an option.

    4. I’ve thought long and hard about this one, and I’ve decided the next subject in my “People I Hate” series will be “People Who Bring Up Their Diseases at Irrelevant Times.” Guess who I’ll be using as exhibit A?

  18. Bike Girl October 21, 2009 at 2:39 am #

    As a driver, I find other cars make me late more than anything else. If those other drivers weren’t on the road, I could go around any number of cyclists with no problem.

    I also find I am sometimes delayed even when I encounter zero cyclists on the road. Especially on the freeway where cyclists are not even allowed. Gosh darn those other drivers. Ha!

    I think smart solutions to traffic include accounting for all forms of transportation, pedestrians, bikes, bus, and private automobile.

  19. Anne King October 21, 2009 at 9:54 am #

    Wow!!! And here I thought I was the only one who really, really, really
    hates bikers and I don’t even drive. I hate them because as a pedestrian
    they make my life miserable. I power walk through 3 neighborhoods almost every day. I take my life in my hands. I have the light to
    cross and here comes a fucking biker going right through the red light almost taking my nose off. They go down a one-way street THE WRONG WAY and couldn’t care less about anyone. My personal favorite is when they ride on the sidewalk and you never see them until they whiz by. No
    bell to get your attention that they’re behind you. At night you can’t even see them. Dark clothes, no light on bike or decals. Right now they have a white bike displayed on Queens Blvd. because a biker died there several weeks ago. He ran the red light, which I’m sure he always did,
    and was killed. Don’t feel sorry for him!!! Feel sorry for the poor driver who killed him even though he had the light. It’s even worse in Central Park. You have the light and try and cross and they all go right through
    weaving in and out of the people trying to cross even with baby carriages. They are DISGUSTING. I hate every one of them. Maybe more of them should be killed and they’ll realize what a rotten menace they are.

  20. Bike Girl October 21, 2009 at 10:45 am #

    I agree bikes should usually not be on the sidewalk. It is dangerous to pedestrians and cyclists.

    Luckily the vast majority of us obey the law, riding in the right lane with traffic. I have powerful lights I use at night and always yeild right of way.

    I think there needs to be more education, starting in elementary school, for everyone on where bicycles should ride. Which is in the street, with traffic, using lights. I also think there should be more education for drivers on how to safely pass cyclists (three feet of room) and why we are in the lane in the first place.

    Here’s a series of blogs on why bikes ride like they do, and how they can safely coexist with cars.

    http://garyridesbikes.blogspot.com/2008/08/bicycle-automobile-coexistence-index.html

  21. ben October 21, 2009 at 12:40 pm #

    I am using a privilege, therefore I must use my right to hate you.
    I am using a self centered hoggish mode of transportation, therefore I hate sharing.
    I am part of the 96 percentile of traffic therefore I hate the remaining 3%.
    I look unhappy and unhealthy therefore I hate you.
    I am jealous therefore I hate you.
    I believe in the American freedom to choose therefore I hate you.
    I don’t want to be inferior therefore I hate you.

  22. cyclist October 22, 2009 at 9:58 am #

    You should have your license revoked

  23. bad cycilst October 23, 2009 at 9:49 am #

    It always the types in a big hurry, like you B, who then spend the next mile going 15 mph and screaming expletives. I love it! You jerks get so worked up cause we “slow you down” on the way to your next Happy Meal. So B when you hit me you better kill me, cause you won’t be the first inconsiderate jerk in a car to find a ‘sissy cyclist’ pulling your fat ass out of your SUV and finding that the curb is hard when your head bounces off it.

  24. oneofthegoodguys October 23, 2009 at 12:10 pm #

    If you don’t like bikes riding in the street, call your local politicians and try to get them to change the laws. See how far you get with that. Until you do that, recognize that if you break the law, you are subject to punishment. This includes vehiclular homicide. On the other side of the matter, try for a minute to actually imagine how you would feel if you got a the following phone call, “sir, this is Sgt. Jones, I’m afraid I have some very bad news. Your father was in an accident. He was riding his bicycle and was struck by a car. I’m sorry son, your father is dead.” Your post is not only arrogant, selfish, and naive, but it is dangerous. Please reconsider your position.

  25. john October 28, 2009 at 11:25 am #

    Funny that cos we cyclists hate you too, twat

  26. Anna May 24, 2010 at 2:57 pm #

    What about people who use their bikes as their sole means of transportation? It is dangerous to ride your bike on the sidewalk. Sorry, but what else am I supposed to do?

  27. B. May 24, 2010 at 8:26 pm #

    I love that a *sidewalk* is considered dangerous, yet sharing the road with an SUV seems perfectly reasonable.

  28. Dave MN May 25, 2010 at 11:56 am #

    I love that this post still has legs after nearly two years.

  29. new biker June 5, 2010 at 7:22 pm #

    He’s not saying that he hates everyone who rides bicycles, just the ones that ride on busy roads and take up lanes.

  30. Chris August 3, 2010 at 10:54 pm #

    Exactly B, A SIDEWALK is dangerous but riding next to a vehicle that weighs thousands of pounds is alright? I don’t think so. This whole “riding bikes on the sidewalk” thing is fucking stupid. I’m NOT going to go in the street and risk my life riding next to a vehicle. What if that person had a bad day and decides to screw with a cyclist for no reason and causes the biker to swerve into a pole or something? At the same time, when riding on the sidewalk, if I approach people, I slow down and either warn them I’m passing or make sure there is enough room for me to go around them without them being alarmed.

    But I refuse to ride in the street. I get a ticket for something as stupid as being smart, so be it (meanwhile, that guy across the street coming out of a house just raped a kid but I’m the one getting in trouble), at least I won’t lose my life over it.

  31. cody August 4, 2010 at 2:58 am #

    i agree. but we have the right of way. you driving bastards go much faster. i ride on byberry rd. and cars come from nowhere with NO FUCKING TURN SIGNAL. i ride on the sidewalk and these bastards come from nowhere and almost hit me on a side road a half block from byberry.

  32. B. August 4, 2010 at 9:03 pm #

    You hear that, bastards? If you find yourself on byberry road — which I know all of us do — be sure that you DON’T HIT CODY.

  33. Gates August 8, 2010 at 9:25 pm #

    for sure. i hate when i’m on gilmore and assholez in carz ride up on me. why is gilmore so narrow? i don’t know but it is so slow down asshole car guyz.

  34. Jackson January 27, 2011 at 5:28 pm #

    I had a friend who was killed when he swerved to avoid hitting a bicyclist on a busy highway, and the people in the other car he hit head-on didn’t fare too well either. Two entire sets of families destroyed because some ignorant, inconsiderate ***hole decided they had something to prove to themselves by riding his bike 2 feet into the lane of a busy highway. FOR THE LAST TIME–HIGHWAYS ARE FOR VEHICLES, NOT CYCLISTS!!! This is a topic I have always felt very strong about, and I will continue to feel that way forever. When flesh and steel mingle in the same place and you have a speed differential in excess of 40mph, it’s a disaster waiting to happen, just simple math and physics. Sure, for every one story like mine there are probably 5 involving cyclists who are killed by careless drivers. I understand that all too well after seeing about a dozen cyclists hit by cars in a 1 year period while riding with an ambulance service in FL. I’ve watched people die on the side of the road because someone (be it biker or driver) wasn’t paying attention. The interaction between vehicles and cyclists is a very serious topic for me. We’re not in Amsterdam where they’ve got the whole ‘bikes mingling with buses’ thing down to a science. Regardless of what anyone says, the US is still the wild west of roadway fatalities, and as far as I’m concerned cyclists on highways will continue to be a danger to themselves and others. If you think otherwise, you’re delusional.

    • T Mart July 17, 2012 at 4:18 pm #

      It is the law, dumbass. We are NOT allowed on sidewalks and the roads are ours, too. Maybe your friends should have recognized that the road doesn’t just belong to them. It belongs to all of us who pay property taxes and want to use it. As a cycylist, am I supposed to feel responsible b/c your friend was driving so fast that he could not just slow down, rather than having to swerve. Everyone is in such a hurry that the 2-3 minutes they had to drive slowly behind a cyclist is killing them? Maybe you should buy a jet plane and get off the f**cking roads. It could be a cyclist, who has a LEGAL RIGHT to be on that road, or just an 87 year old man who wants to drive 25 in a 45 – either way, it is EACH drivers responsibility to drive cautiously and be prepared for anything they encounter in the road. And, if they cannot do that and end up dead – IT IS THEIR FAULT.

      Those who don’t cycle think it is easy to ride close to the shoulder or on the sidewalk – it is not. Shoulders are not maintained and you are more likely to slide or fall due to potholes and gravel. As such, you often to have to ride, WHERE YOU ARE LEGALLY ALLOWED, in the lane of traffic. As for riding on the sidewalks, cyclists have killed pedetrians doing that. Sidewalk riding isn’t as dangerous for the cyclist as it is for the people on the sidewalk – although it can be very bumpy. And, hey, if I am riding directly in front of you – at least I know that you see me – better than riding on a sidewalk and crossing a side street next to a building where the cars on the side street can’t see me at all until I am in the street.

      Sorry, I feel this is the driver’s fault. The roads aren’t yours. They are everyone’s. And, guess what, sometimes you just have to slow down and give someone else the right of way. Of course, that means that you might have to waste a few minutes of your precious time. Or you can just sit your fat ass on the couch, watch American Idol and order carryout – then you TRULY don’t have to think about anything but yourself and how important you are. F**k off.

      • Bill February 2, 2013 at 6:34 pm #

        Everything you said agree 100% to the blog writter ur a fucking idiot you need to get off the road ur a danger to urself and others prick

      • cotton March 9, 2013 at 6:52 am #

        i hate cyclists even more after reading this reply

      • Jacob April 3, 2013 at 7:34 pm #

        I completely agree with you @T Mart, and if having to pass a cyclist ruins his entire day, i would hate to see what this guy does when there is a crossing guard. Does he just mow right over all the kids crossing the street? This is probably what he would do if he encountered a race: http://metro.co.uk/2008/06/03/carnage-as-drunk-driver-wipes-out-cyclists-168524/

        The reason cyclists ride on busy streets is THEY HAVE SOMEWHERE TO BE ALSO. If cyclists don’t move onto the shoulder, or hug the white line it is to either prevent cars passing dangerously close or avoid poor road conditions.

        In Ontario, It is an $80 fine if you bike on the sidewalk and if you hit a pedestrian, you are at fault and if a car hits you, it is your fault. When biking on the road, you are protected by the rules of the road, so if you are rear ended or hit by someone not paying attention, it is driver’s fault.

        And if someone passed me to the left while i was biking, even after i signaled a left turn and they almost hit me, i would spit on their car too. If i am signalling a left turn, that means it IS NOT safe to pass.

        As for the guy that got in an accident passing a cyclist, he could have waited for the car going the other direction to pass, you can be angry at the cyclist for existing, get over your self.

        Now, Go get your fat ass in your car and pick up your KFC you eat for dinner before shopping at wal*mart buying the cheap brands so you can pay for your pollution causing car that you can’t live without like a good little dependent prick.

  35. Joe Bloggs August 23, 2013 at 4:17 pm #

    You sound like an arrogant prick. Get a life and go to anger management classes.

    • Eric February 3, 2014 at 2:10 am #

      Cyclist can’t ride on the sidewalk or we get tickets. The law says we must ride on the street so that is where we ride. Be careful what cyclers you piss off because they might just kick out your taillight and smash your windows in for being a prick.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Being human « BikingInLA - October 21, 2009

    […] And they feel justified in hating us. […]

  2. Friday swag - World of B - October 22, 2009

    […] comments” feed on the right sidebar, but for some reason, the comments section in my “People I hate: busy road cyclists” story (one of my favorites ever) has been blowing up of late. Which once again proves my […]

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