B's 5th Annual Northeast Bar Crawl: a recap

In what is routinely my favorite/most stressful day of the summer, this past Friday was my 5th Annual Northeast Bar Crawl. It’s a tradition started by my uncles many years ago, and my friends and I have carried on the torch these past few years.

The first four crawls were crammed with memorable moments, from the time a friend of mine sat on the face of a guy lying on the sidewalk because he thought it was me, very nearly sparking a full-out brawl, to the time some guy knocked my mother over in the street during a shoving match, very seriously sparking a full-out brawl that ended with me pulling his shirt over his head hockey-style in the only adult fight of my life (also one of the more embarrassing moments; the guy was about 50 and overweight, and yet there we were, rolling around on the streets at 3 am).

Beyond that, there have been stolen bowling balls rolled down Broadway Ave, in-bar puking sessions, random hookups, tons of karaoke, late-night pushup contests while waiting for cabs, and dozens of other things I’m surely forgetting.

During the first four years we used the same route: start at Nye’s and end at the Knight Cap. We decided to change it up a bit this year, for a couple reasons. First, the bars on Hennepin aren’t the kind of Nordeast locales ideal for a bar crawl. Nye’s, Whitey’s, The Bulldog, Keegan’s – those places are actually nice; for crawls, only dive bars will do. Secondly, we wanted to end at Elsie’s because in past years because no one ever wanted to leave. So we devised this route, which ended up perfect in every way:

1. Psycho Suzi’s (ideal starting spot for people looking to get dinner before the crawl.)

2. Tony Jaro’s (Avoid the greenies; they’re too strong for the bar crawl format. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.)

3. Stasiu’s

4. Northeast Palace

5. Jimmy’s (Three so-so bars in a row help to keep the action moving; pound a drink, move on.)

6. 22nd Avenue Station (yes, it’s a strip club, and yes, my mother was in attendance again this year. I swear we aren’t as white trash as that makes us sound. We averted our eyes. Well, a few of us did.)

7. Grumpy’s (My associate Dr. Norm had to spend the entire time at this bar sitting under a table, due to a lost bet that involves slamming a beer, the loser literally being drank under the table.)

8. The Knight Cap

9. Mayslacks (we skirted the cover because we had so many people in tow. Once inside, one of my buds decided to confront the lead singer of the band that was playing, during one of their breaks, because the singer reportedly made a pass at his wife. I like the singer, and the band he fronts, so my strategy was to break up their conversation by gushing about the band. I am a terrible, terrible friend.)

10. 331 Club

11. 1029 Bar (We spent a bit too much time here, on the dance floor natch, and were falling behind schedule, so I decided to move on to the next bar. I asked a friend, who shall remain nameless, to alert the others; he instead decided to go puke behind a dumpster. I spent 15 minutes at the next bar alone.

12. Northeast Yacht Club

13. Elsie’s (We arrived around 12:30 and rocked the place until closing time.)

In part because of the superior schedule but mostly due to the tight-knit nature of the 35 attendees – at least 20 of which who were there for the full crawl – this was definitely the most enjoyable event since the crawl’s inception. And now I’ll let this YouTube recap tell the rest of the story. Enjoy.

(Apologies to those of you featured in the video without consent. Please don’t sue me.)