The Cooler: five links, guaranteed to make the weekend arrive quicker

12 Jun

bierstick.jpg1. Instead of saving my favorite link of the week for last, I’ma post this front-n-center for all you short attention span types. Head on over to Lindsayism and listen to the “Phone Calls to the 14th Century” audio clip. Not into listening to audio clips? I don’t care. I need you to do this. Laughs abound.

2. So, I’ve always been drawn to the idea of drinking beer, but I’ve never been able to actually go through with it. I think it’s because I’m not able to, how do you say it? Oh, right: swallow. Never been able to swallow beer. But thanks to the newly invented Bierstick, that is a problem no more. Some clever innovators at that company. “Here’s a problem that has gone unnoticed for too long: people don’t have the capacity to ingest alcohol fast enough. If we can create a contraption that actually does the swallowing for people, well, we’ve got a million dollar product on our hands. Swallowing on your own is for the birds, I tell ya, the birds.”

3. Gabe over at Videogum has written a recap of the most recent Real World episode. Though it takes a certain level of arrogant detachment to laugh at another guy’s (OK, fine: ostensible douchebag’s) public struggles with substance abuse, his write-ups never fail to entertain. I think you’ll agree.

4. Church service starting to bore you? Feeling kinda randy? Find yourself weighed down by excessive semen in your organs, and in need to emptying the reservoir ASAP? Here’s a crazy thought: might I suggest ducking into the confessional box for a little mid-morning nookie? Hey, wouldn’t be the first time someone’s tried it. And, best: you’ll be forgiven pretty much immediately. Where’s the downside? There is no downside.

5. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: cleaning supply sales reps are the rock stars of the Midwest. You doubters out there, here’s your evidence:

About 40 traveling salespeople were thrown out of a hotel for “very, very rude behavior,” a motel manager said.

The salespeople, mostly in their mid-20s, were peddling cleaning supplies, but they sure left behind a mess, said Derek Crockett, front desk manager at the AmericInn Lodge & Suites.

Crockett’s staff began getting complaints about the guests less than two hours after they checked in Monday night. The guests were drinking, partying and smoking in nonsmoking rooms, he said.

Crockett said the guests also punched holes in the walls, ripped a toilet paper holder off the wall and pulled out a couple of window screens.

Man, is that the life or what? I was such a CSSR (cleaning supply sales rep) wanna-be growing up, just praying to god I’d someday make it to the big time like these guys. I’d bring 409 to parties to practice my sales pitch; I basically lived in the aisles of Snyder’s, memorizing the different products and their uses; I propositioned more than my share of cleaning ladies just for a brief taste of the good limelight. Couldn’t hack it, though. Didn’t have the skillz. These guys, though … these toilet-paper-holder-abusing, smoking-in-undesignated-areas, rude-behavioring badasses … these guys are my heroes.

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