Found on Wikipedia: Scientology

14 Apr

scientology.jpgToday is the unveiling of a new feature here at the WoB: Found on Wikipedia. In this soon-to-be-world-changing feature, I’ll select a topic — likely a fairly zany one, worth learning more about — and utilize Wikipedia to explain some of its finer points. As with everything here, this is sure to blow your mind, or at least waste your time.

Today’s topic: Scientology, in honor of the recent (possibly debunked) news that Will Smith and his wife Jada are considering joining the ranks. As we wait with baited breath to see if yet another couple Hollywooder will soon be going off the rails of this crazy train, let’s find out if this Scientology thing is actually as batshit as its perception.

Answer: oh hell yes. The proof (pulled directly from Wikipedia, using only the sourced info to ensure accuracy):

— The Church of Scientology defines scientology as “the study of truth.”

— Scientology’s beliefs and related techniques comprise 18 basic books, and 3,000 recorded lectures.

— Scientology describes itself as “the study and handling of the spirit in relationship to itself, others and all of life.

— Other beliefs of Scientology are:

* A person is an immortal spiritual being (termed a thetan) who possesses a mind and a body.
* The thetan has lived through many past lives and will continue to live beyond the death of the body.
* Through the Scientology process of “auditing,” people can free themselves of traumatic incidents, ethical transgressions and bad decisions which are said to collectively restrict the person from reaching the state of “Clear” and “Operating Thetan.” Each state is said to represent the recovery of native spiritual abilities and to confer mental and physical benefits.
* A person is basically good, but becomes “aberrated” by moments of pain and unconsciousness.
* Psychiatry and psychology are destructive and abusive practices.”

— The tone scale characterizes human mood and behavior by various positions on a scale from −40 (“Total Failure”) to +40 (“Serenity of Being”). Positions on the tone scale are usually designated by an emotion, but Hubbard said the tone scale could also indicate health, mating behavior, survival potential or ability to deal with truth. According to Scientology, lower positions on the tone scale indicate more intricate problems and greater difficulties in solving them for lack of communication.

— According to Hubbard, some past traumas may have been deliberately inflicted in the form of “implants” used by extraterrestrial dictatorships such as Helatrobus to brainwash and control the population. Hubbard’s lectures and writings include a wide variety of accounts of complex extraterrestrial civilizations and alien interventions in earthly events.

— Scientologists who have achieved the State of Clear may continue onto the Upper or OT (Operating Thetan) Levels. These levels are available by invitation only after a review of the candidate’s character, ethics and contribution to the aims of Scientology. Individuals who have read these materials may not disclose what they contain without jeopardizing their standing in the Church.


— Presently, there are eight such levels, OT I to VIII. The OT VIII designation is only granted at sea, on the Scientology ship, the Freewinds, which was established to provide a “safe, aesthetic, distraction-free environment” for this purpose.

— One episode revealed to those who reach OT level III is the story of Xenu (sometimes Xemu), introduced as an alien ruler of the “Galactic Confederacy.” According to this story, 75 million years ago Xenu brought billions of people to Earth in spacecraft resembling Douglas DC-8 airliners, stacked them around volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen bombs.

— Scientology training consists of Academy Levels 0-IV and New Era Dianetics, also termed Academy Level V. The first five levels take two weeks each on a 40-hours-per-week schedule. Level VI, the Saint Hill Special Briefing Course, is done at special advanced organizations and comprises 16 individual checklists, each requiring an average of three to four weeks of study, and covering in total 12,000 pages of materials and 450 lectures.

— Stemming from his belief that birth is a trauma that may induce engrams, Hubbard stated that the delivery room should be as silent as possible and that words should be avoided because any words used during birth might be reassociated by adults with their earlier traumatic birth experience.

— Scientology pays members commissions on new recruits they bring in, encouraging Scientology members to “sell” Scientology to others. In addition, Scientology franchises, or missions, pay the church roughly 10% of their gross income.

— Charges for auditing and other Church-related courses run to tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars.


Conclusion: Aliens, lectures, preexistences, crazy-strict regulations, recruiting … it’s nice to know that we were completely in the right by assuming Scientology is a crock. Good to know.


4 Responses to “Found on Wikipedia: Scientology”

  1. roughkat April 15, 2008 at 11:02 am #

    This is a great chance to once again link to the bat-shit crazy Tom Cruise and his video for said bat-shit crazy Scientology group.

  2. BreAnne April 15, 2008 at 2:07 pm #

    Have you seen the letter supposedly written by Leah Remini? That was some serious crazy.

  3. A.B. April 15, 2008 at 5:58 pm #

    L. Ron Hubbard, a science fiction writer, hooked up a tomato to a “machine” he invented to see if the tomato could feel pain. “Radar” published a photo of it in the first Scientology piece they did. This was right before they ceased publication for over a year. Better check out the latest issue, with Tom Cruise on the cover, before the church puts the magazine out of business again.

    That letter from Leah Remini was enlightening. She is all kinds of crazy, and none of it in a good way.

  4. B. April 16, 2008 at 6:53 am #

    Is it possible the entire religion was founded to promote reading discipline? That email from Carrie Heffernan was like 5,000 words long. I got about 50 in before my crazy-meter hit its quota and I had to lie down. I can’t imagine anyone on earth actually read that thing word-for-word.

    But, then again, I’m only a level V III thetan so what do I know?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: