The only news that matters

13 Dec

thisisme.jpgI’m exhausted; been a long week. I don’t have a whole lot to write about today, which works out nicely because nothing I could write would matter as much as the recently released Mitchell Report.

Say what you want about its validity, or its original intentions, or how baseball is boring to begin with (dick), but, for better or worse, the fact remains that this bit of news has changed the face of America’s Pastime forever. And in historic times like these, I feel confident in saying the best source to turn to if you’re hoping to get a pulse on America’s reaction is … the comments section from a sports blog within a post containing the rumored names, most of which ended up being incorrect. A few of my favorite comments:

BY LENOCEUR AT 11:22 AM
Not Paxton Crawford! Why, Paxton, why?

*

BY LUOL DANG AT 11:22 AM
Rich Garces! Our innocence is officially lost.

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BY MITCHKAYAK AT 11:22 AM
Mark Prior was using them wrong.

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BY SHE BLINDED ME WITH VIOLENCE AT 11:23 AM
Somebody get Ken Caminiti on the phone! I demand to hear a former N.L. MVP’s explanation for such shenanigans!

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BY HUSTLER OF CULTURE AT 11:24 AM
Carl Everett believes in steriods because he has seen them

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BY ‘SUSS–‘ AT 11:25 AM
Darryl Kile, if you’re innocent of these allegations, speak up now.

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BY UPSTATE UNDERDOG AT 11:27 AM
Belle, Bradley, Everett, Offerman, Rocker on the list further proving HGH and steroids will make you crazy.

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BY MR. POON AT 11:28 AM
In Rich Garces’s defense, he didn’t know that guy he ate happened to be on the juice.

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BY CHAMOMILES DAVIS AT 11:29 AM
Let’s not forget about Fanny Alexander, who tested positive for existentialism.

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BY GET HIM A BODY BAG, YEAH! AT 11:33 AM
Julian Tavarez? I knew steroids shrunk your balls, but I didn’t know they made you look like someone put out a fire on your face with a screwdriver.

*****

So, I admit, most of those comments are probably only funny to me. In any event, have a good weekend, friends and stalkers all.

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