A rousing version of "Name That Drug"

10 Sep

duluth.gifThis is the feature in which I summarize a few recent news stories and you guess what drug the culprit was on.

1. This first story comes straight out of Duluth, Minnesota (Duluth! My former college town): a 20-year old kid broke into a home and attacked the elderly woman who lived there. What happened next? He was beaten up and stripped naked by the 69-year-old husband. The burglar then panicked and fled the house in the nude (story of my life).

God, that kid’s life is over. How does he explain that one to his friends? I did some incredibly embarrassing things in college, but as far as getting pantsed by the elderly … well, I can count the number of times that happened to me on one hand.

But I digress. On to the question: what drug was this kid on? Let’s see here … he showed signs of aggressive behavior, a desperate need for cash (hence the break-in) and a remarkable lack of physical dexterity. If I had to guess, I’d go with crack. That story sounds like a classic example of the crackhead b-and-e. (The best in the category: right here.)

2. The second story is so perfect I’ve been trying to think up a joke in the nine hours since I first read it and still can’t think of anything but to simply quote the story: “A woman was arrested and charged with arson and burglary after police say she set fire to the home of a neighbor she thought had stolen her keys. Sgt. Clint Riley of the Lane County Sheriff’s Office said the 23-year-old woman later found her keys hanging from her pants pocket.”

I’m betting most of you just read that two or three times to make sure you were getting the gist.

That’s a story so asinine it can only be shared via email so you can include a link to the actual AP release. I told my co-worker during a conversation and he looked at me like I told him I spent the weekend with Jessica Alba. I was greeted with a brazen look of disbelief; he didn’t even attempt to hide his mistrust.

But I’ll digress once again: what drug was this woman on? She again showed a shocking (and, well, criminal) display of aggressive conduct, but it was coupled with a massive (and, well, hilarious) amount of misjudgment, not to mention an unprecedented lack of observation. She wasn’t alert or smooth enough to blame cocaine … too energetic to be on weed … she lives in a trailer park so she probably doesn’t have the cash for painkillers … I’m going to go with meth.

This has been another stirring game of Name That Drug. Care to partake? Talk amongst yourselves or mix it up in the comments.


2 Responses to “A rousing version of "Name That Drug"”

  1. Ms. Minneapolis September 11, 2007 at 5:25 am #

    The joke for #2 or headline ” Down, Down, Down like a (key) Ring of Fire”

    1. Drug: Meth or straight on stupidity. Ya never know in Duluth.
    2. Drug: Same as answer one, because you never know what comes out of a trailer park.

  2. Cool Rut September 11, 2007 at 12:10 pm #

    This made me think of a time that I lost my key. I was in my swimsuit with flip-flops and a towel. I put the little key (real not a card) in my swimsuit pocket. Then I left a few pass-outed buddies in the room and went to the hotel next door to join the hot tub party with the peeps we met at the bar. It was about 10 below out (this was a ski trip). I had my fun in the hot tub and it was time to run back to my room. I went the wrong way and got lost. When I did finally get back to my hotel, I was locked out. I waited and waited and finally a hotel dude buzzed me in. I thanked him and went to my room. Knocked but no answer. Instead of going downstairs to have them let me in, I slept on the floor in the hall. In the morning when I peeled the still wet suit off, the key fell out on the bathroom floor.

    Th point is that this case could be alcohol-related stupidity. Just most of us stop short of arson.

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