Indulge me baby one more time

6 Sep
picklecostume.jpgWere you wondering how an email exchange between me and my friend J-Mac normally reads? No? Not at all? Well, tough shit I’m reposting it anyway. And don’t give me that look – you’ve known it was all about me from the beginning.

It all started when I told J-Mac about my (not so) unique idea of voicemail transcribing and how it’d already been invented. She asked me about my other ideas, and after I shared a few I (miraculously) turned the conversation back to her. Asking her if she’s ever had any bright ideas, she wrote this:

I had to invent something for a class in college. The best I could come up with in my drunken haze was a blanket with pockets for your feet. I made one too, actually one of my favorite blankets.

I hate hate hate being sticky and I’m a straight up mess when I try to get the last bits of peanut butter from jar. The jar is too deep, my knife is too short, hate it. I’m pretty sure that they make fancy peanut butter in shorter jars but I’m from a simple kind of folk.

Also, pickle jars. Something has got to change.

First off, that pocket blanket is an incredible idea. Women — or, more likely, men sick of hearing women complain — would snatch that product up faster than you can say “jesus christ, are you ever not cold?” Anyway, here was my response:

Agreed about pickles. At this point I’m pretty much forced to use my barbecue tongs to fish one out the jar. Pickles need to come in trays, like ice cubes or eggs. Is that so hard? I love pickles – everyone does – so I’m pretty sure I could make some extra fridge space for the pickle trays.

In a related note, how great is the word “pickle”?

So here we go, J-Mac and me, doing what we do best (or most, I suppose): coming up with silly inventions and throwing in some arbitrary observations for the hell of it. She shot back with:

Good point, why can’t one buy a box of pickles? The jar does nothing for them. I would think that stacking a bunch of plastic boxes would save a lot more shelf space than loading up shelves with super tall cylinders. In other news, I was detouring through a side street on my commute the other day and noticed a Gedney office. Directly across the street was a sign that said something like “Shining Riverview Terrace” or something nice. I thought hey, great location, nothing says summer like pickles and a park. Unless of course the Shining Riverview Terrace is a trailer park, which it was. Meh.

Pickle is a good word. Lederhosen – also a good word.

I wanted to continue with the “good word game,” if only to suggest “crudite,” but I let it go because:

I believe I have just solved this little pickle crisis our world is facing: pickle dispensers. They would be just like a straw dispenser, only you’d store them in your fridge. Feel like a pickle? Just press down on the release mechanism and there you go. New pickle, staring right at you – and you didn’t need any utensil to dig it out of the delectable juice in which it soaks. Just grab it and staring wolfing down.

Realizing I had just ended that topic by coming up with the greatest idea known to man (the pickle-loving kind anyway), J-Mac responded with the only logical response — a complete change of subject:

I just saw a doctor listing for a woman named Norma Cheesebrow.

To which I followed with the only response I know – an offensive joke:

I’ll bet she’s got a discerning eye for yeast infections.

Which led to J-Mac never writing me back, and in fact ignoring my follow-up communication and not even looking me in the eye since. But come on now, Cheese-brow? As if I wasn’t going to make that joke.

So there you have it, a review of an email thread between me and my (former?) pal J-Mac. A little humor, a little idea exchange, all concluded with me being an inappropriate ass. Day in the life.

In conclusion, I owe an apology to not only J-Mac, who, being a woman probably didn’t like the unprovoked yeast infection visual, but also to one Dr. Norma Cheesebrow, because from here on out, this exchange (and that joke) will likely appear in any future Google searches of her name. Ladies, I am sorry.

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6 Responses to “Indulge me baby one more time”

  1. cooler rut September 6, 2007 at 10:06 pm #

    that gedney factory is a landmark in good ole Chaska,MN..living there for the last ten years i have driven by that factory hundreds of times, and not until this past summer, while delivering pizzas for dominos, i had to venture into that trailerpark..first and last time i will ever go in there. It lead to me not returning to dominos (my way of quitting) and having nightmares ever since. To anyone reading, do not go in there..no offense to the people who live there, but it just an overall scary experience.

  2. cooler rut September 6, 2007 at 10:08 pm #

    and as far as Ms. Cheesebrow goes, I would be very disappointed in B if a joke like that wasnt made..so B if its worth anything, i enjoyed it and shared in a good old fashioned knee slap with the roommates when we read it. good stuff!!

  3. Cool Rut September 7, 2007 at 11:14 am #

    I don’t get how cheese and yeast have anything to do with one another. Or brow and yeast. Care to explain?

    Cool Rut: I saw a doctor named Flooce Aswad.
    B: I bet he poops a lot.

  4. Ms. Minneapolis September 9, 2007 at 5:35 am #

    the female perspective:

    can’t speak for all women or your friend j-mac, but there are a few things that i am sure you are aware of. but as a heads up to all men …….

    1. most of the time women get yeast infections and urinary track infections it’s from having sex with men. not every occurrence, but more than boys would think. so not only are we harder to get off, but then we have to deal with this sh$t as well. not fun. exactly why the image of one prolly provoked an unhappy j-mac. it’s like the “c word” that rhymes with punt, you just don’t refer to all around women.

    2. if i was j-mac, i would be irked that you made an apology with a title off of a britney spears song. granted, this could be a shared joke between the two of you, but if it’s not ….lame. and if i were her i wouldn’t talk to you for as many days as Britney has been on the cover of Us Weekly. (consider that nice, since I didn’t include people or internet stuff.)

  5. B. September 10, 2007 at 7:28 pm #

    Cool Rut: I can’t bring myself to fully explain that joke, but let’s just say the first part of that woman’s last name describes a side effect of a yeast infection. And the “brow” refers to the “discerning eye” part of the joke. See? The hilarity is two-fold, though explaining the joke afterwards pretty much negates any humor I was trying to elicit. Thanks man.

    Readers, I promise to never mention yeast infections ever again.

  6. Cool Rut September 11, 2007 at 11:59 am #

    What about my fictional joke? I thought it was twofold also. Reference to RFO which is hilarious and poop which is even more hilarious.

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