The Cooler: Two Jonahs, a crazy Offerman and one douchebag lead singer

20 Aug

offermangoingcrazy.JPGHere are a few news stories that tickled my fancy during the past week:

>> ‘Bike Path Rapist’ sentenced to 75 years to life; copycat criminal who rapes unsuspecting sidewalks remains at large.

>> “Underage is all the rage,” says Time Magazine. “Uh, no shit,” responds R. Kelly.

>> What a hilarious fall from grace: Sarah Jessica Parker, the former elitist fashion snob Carrie from Sex and the City, is now an official spokesperson for … wait for it … god this is good … Steve & Barry’s. Yes, the same Steve & Barry’s that sell $6.99 pleather jackets adorned with the words “Brew Crew” surrounding a large beer mug image on the back*. Same store. Helluva career move there. Who’s her agent, Shelley Long? The guy who came up with New Coke?

>> Video of Marques Colston catching footballs. In a word: amazing. In four words: not sure it’s real. Decide for yourself.

>> From the “just in case you haven’t seen it yet” department: news of Jose Offerman’s sad/hilarious outburst at a recent minor league game, in which Offerman charged the mound and attacked the pitcher using his bat as a weapon. Bat-wielding is a great technique that hasn’t been used in many brawls, for the simple reason that most big league ballplayers are considered “sane.” This is what happens when ballplayers stop being polite and start getting real taking enough steroids to kill a pony in a last-ditch comeback effort.

>> Missing the rumors of alleged homosexuality, Jake Gylenhaal considers Broadway.

>> A curious quote from soon-to-be-murdered-by-the-mob NBA referee Tim Donaghy in a recent article:

Donaghy said he “was in a unique position to predict the outcome of NBA games” because he had access to information not available to the public. “As a referee, I was given access to master referee schedules that included the identities of officiating crews for particular games,” he said.

Am I reading that incorrectly, or did Donaghy just claim that he could accurately predict the outcome of a particular game based only on the officiating crew? Is that true? Are the NBA officials that bad that their colleagues know how the game is going to go simply by looking at the crew in relation to the matchup (i.e. so-and-so official always succumbs to the home crowd pressure, so-and-so always gives preferential calls to the superstars, etc)? And if that is true, isn’t the game in a whole lot more trouble than this one isolated incident? Oh, and on a scale of 1-10, how annoying are rolling sets of questions?

>> The AV Club interviews Superbad stars Jonah Hill, Michael Cera and the real-life McLovin. I haven’t yet seen the movie, though my equally-critical-about-movies associate Norm gave it a couple drunken thumbs up last Friday before calling me a “vaj” for not meeting him out at the bar. So, you be the judge on whether or not you want to take cinema recommendations from a person like that.

>> The required Because It’s Good For You political link of the week: conservative leader Jonah Goldberg on Karl Rove’s fading legacy.

>> From defective yeti: Things Not To Say. If I had my wits about me, I’d piggyback off this post and make the “…like I like my women” thing a running feature. As in: I’d offer a new setup every week and let the readers offer the best punchline. You could do this with anything. Just say something like “I like my headphones the way I like my women” and let the commenters have at it. Some enterprising blogger with an active commenter base should totally do this, because I guarantee I will have forgotten about it by the time morning hits.

>> Douchebag of the week #1: Adam Levine, frontman for Maroon 5 (a band I actually kind of liked before this, but now, fuck, you know? Can I still like them?). When asked about his brief fling with tennis star Maria Sharapova:

“She wouldn’t make any noise during sex. “I can’t tell you how disappointed I was. I really thought, like a lot of guys, that she’d be the loud screaming type. But instead, she just lay there like a dead frog. She even got angry if I started to moan, said it ‘ruined her concentration.’

You stay classy, Adam Levine. Complaining about sex with Maria Sharapova … I hope you never get to screw an attractive woman ever again.

>> Douchebag of the week #2: Jay Mohr. Not like it’s any big surprise, but Jay Mohr is an unfunny, irrelevant moron. Check out this so-stupid-your-brain-will-hurt column on Fox Sports. You’d find more thoughtful outlooks on the short bus than listening to this “comedian.” My favorite part:

If the guy from Kutztown State misses a tackle, he might start writing Internet blogs.

Internet blogs…yeah. You know, I hear they’re actually increasing in popularity. Someday, they might even rival the ubiquity of, like, Television Blogs and Radio Blogs. “Internet blogs”? Did Jay Mohr recently celebrate his 80th birthday?


* I actually own that exact jacket. Have seven friends with that exact jacket. Had some hilarious times in that exact jacket.


8 Responses to “The Cooler: Two Jonahs, a crazy Offerman and one douchebag lead singer”

  1. Ms. Minneapolis August 21, 2007 at 6:01 am #

    1. Not that I am in love with Jake G’s blue eyes, but I am going to back him up and say he’s not gay. That role on Broadway sounds awesome and who doesn’t want to work for Nichols — directed The Graduate, Spamalot, other great stuff. Although he takes a minus for marrying Diane Sawyer, not that I dislike her, he just seems like he could do better than her. But that’s just my opinion. C’mon Jake was banging Reese Witherspoon and KIrsten Dunst and unlike Adam Levine he prolly turned down Maria Sharapova.

    Which brings me to #2. Adam Levine. I can proudly state I am never gotten into Maroon 5 and could sense his d-bag tendencies before they got all have and sh$t. but you know what really ruined it for me? When he got to sing with Stevie Wonder at Live 8 concert in Philly. He does not deserve the cred then in 2005 or now to close a concert with Stevie Wonder.

    #3. I must admit I was tempted to be in the RBFFL. That is how I started coming to your site, was thru Randball. But the “I want to remain anonymous” blogger outweighed RBFFL. So next season if there is a way to telecall in, I might consider. Best of luck to you and the rest of the boys. It should be an experiment and all ten of you should relish in your full geek glory.

  2. Trevor August 21, 2007 at 6:25 am #

    For balance, a response to Jonah Goldberg from a guy writing an Internet Blog.

  3. A.B. August 21, 2007 at 3:29 pm #

    Adam Levine is wee, which made me suspect long ago that he might have some sort of Napoleon complex. But he is also cute and sexy and MOT, so why not give him the benefit of the doubt? Then I read an article where he referred to himself more than once as “a gentleman.” Eeuu. It’s kind of like referring to yourself in the third person. A real gentleman would never refer to himself as one. Or compare a conquest to a dead frog. Niiiiiice. I wonder if he wears an ascot, though. Very gentlemanly.

  4. Toonces51 August 21, 2007 at 4:30 pm #

    Jay Mohr shouldn’t be douchebag of the week. His columns are always that bad, and he’s always that unfunny. Even with her collagen filled lips, the fact that he gets to bang Nikki Cox still perplexes and infuriates me.

  5. JMac August 21, 2007 at 8:14 pm #

    I saw you peeing in public while you were wearing that exact jacket.

  6. Cool Rut August 23, 2007 at 11:32 am #

    In regards to the sidewalk rap!st comment, I felt that it was not funny. R@pe is a violent crime that is off-limits for jokes. Actually, I borrowed this line but it is true, r@pe is no laughing matter unless you are r@ping a clown.

  7. super rookie August 23, 2007 at 11:59 am #

    My guess is that you took Colston because you believe that video to be real.

    Which is the same reason I took The Nuge with the last pick of the draft.

  8. B. August 27, 2007 at 8:03 pm #

    I feel I should point out that I don’t agree with Goldberg’s column about Rove, I just thought it was interesting that even the most conservative of people don’t seem to like him anymore.

    Thanks for the article suggestion, Trevor. Quite a take-down. “Shut up, Jonah, I wasn’t finished” cracked me up.

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