Talk show daydreams/how I might die

9 Aug
starjones.jpgA bit of shocking news out of Minnesota today: Governor Tim Pawlenty has expressed his willingness to reconsider his decision to veto legislation devoted to pay for road construction needs. In light of the recent I-35 disaster, he appears to have had a “change of heart.”

Gee, you think so, doctor? You think, in light of one of the biggest tragedies this state has ever seen, you’ll be willing to approve the tax increases necessary to ensure something like this will never happen again? We’re all stunned at your transparently political PR move, you slick bastard.

(Poor transition warning) Pawlenty’s statement is rivaled in overt blatancy by Star Jones’ recent admission that she got gastric bypass surgery. Hm, you don’t say.

If I were a talk-show host, I’d try to get these two clowns on my show so I could interview them both simultaneously.

“So Tim,” I’d start out, wringing my hands Larry King-style, “After the recent disaster, you’ve claimed to be reconsidering your staunch no-raised taxes policy to help fund transportation needs. Wow, what a brave stance to take. Pardon us if we collectively respond with a statewide-unison cry of ‘No shit.’ Are you going to say or do anything that requires a proverbial set of gonads, or do you plan on continuing down this path of slick politicking in which you say all the right things but in actuality do nothing of substance whatsoever?”

“And you, Star.” [swiveling my chair] “Now, we’re all aware your life is of no particular substance when compared to the I-35 tragedy, but I still think your moronic behavior needs to be addressed. So let’s see here…you’ve finally come forth with the news that you recently underwent gastric bypass surgery. Is this newsworthy? Did you think we were unaware? You can’t shed the combined weight of an entire Ethiopian family within a matter of months and expect us to believe you’ve just been getting into Pilates. Not possible. There’s no shame in gastric bypass surgery, but being dishonest is a less-than-stellar example to set for the kiddies, wouldn’tcha say?”

I would have Arcade Fire scheduled to be my musical guest, but the show would abruptly end with my head exploding.


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