The Cooler: because I'm sure all you're thinking about is surfing the 'net

3 Jul

cruzincooler.JPGThe vast majority of you are probably reading this after the 4th, in which case, hope you all had an enjoyable holiday. Was the weather nice? The Future B warned Current B that it might rain, but what with the general untrustworthiness of time-traveling inner personas, Current B didn’t know what to believe. Anyway, on to the links:

>>  Good news for all you habitual date rapists out there: you now have an excuse. Just say you were actually sleep-raping (it’s like sleepwalking, but it involves a lot more confusion/penetration/anger) and you’ll likely avoid any punishment. Also, this paragraph had to be repeated: “One man masturbated in his sleep with such energy that he suffered “repeated bruising of the penis” and avoided sexual intercourse for more than eight years.” That statement should suffice as your “things could be a lot worse” moment of the week. Instant perspective.

>>  Now that you’ve gotten your dosage of perspective, it’s time to take your “I wish I were that clever” medicine. This one comes courtesy of defective yeti. Like always.

>> Here’s an issue I’d love one our many Presidential candidates to take up: potential jail time for filing egregious lawsuits. $54 million for a pair of lost pants? Ridiculous. I mean, I can make my peace with anything in the $50-52 million range, but that extra $2 million tacked on at the end is pretty greedy. Pisses me right off.

>> Hulk Hogan’s tranny child owns a crotch that burns holes right through jeans. Just pointing that out. Though I did hear her new band The Flaming Yo-Yo Smugglers is actually pretty decent.

>> I can finally say this without sounding like a criminal: if you’re tired in the mornings and coffee just isn’t your thing, you seriously need to consider doing some blow. (Over/under on when this product gets taken off the market: two weeks. But it’s gonna be an extremely productive two weeks, man, because *sniff* this stuff just gets me going and loosens me up and *sniff* I’m just feeling good right now making calls putting deals together just go-go-go all the time and *sniff* hey what are you looking at you got a problem dicknose?)

>> Sporadic commenter Mr. Shain told a story this week that will make you (a) respect your co-workers’ privacy just a little bit more, and (b) puke up your breakfast. Yeah, it’s that good.

>> A must-have for the tailgater in your family: the Cruzin Cooler. (Pictured bimbo not included, but no worries because with a product that sweet, the ladies’ll be lining up.)

(The WoB is on vacation until Monday. I’m spending the 4th on Lake Minnetonka and the rest of the weekend on Lake Mille Lacs, so, even though you probably don’t care, I thought I’d point out that I am definitely having more fun than you right now.)

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