The case of the mystery substance, volume 2

13 Jun
mrhanky.jpgA few of you loyal readers may remember my piece entitled The Case of the Mystery Substance (which should probably be read before continuing with this story). Well, I’m here today to let you know it happened again.
Since this story is set at my workplace, and since I was out at the time of this most recent incident, I’ve requested my friend and co-worker J-Mac to provide the details. Her words are below. (For reasoning on why I decided to share this story, read the final paragraph in Volume 1. It’s all about perspective, people. Which is why toilet humor is so necessary.)
It was approximately 4pm in the afternoon and after drinking a large amount of Diet Dr. Pepper (damn you vending machinists!), I decided to combine using the restroom and getting a new soda into one trip. As I was leaving our office through the front door, KR was coming back in and immediately said “you gotta see this” and grabbed my arm. I reluctantly left the office front door and was pulled into the hallway.
Oh, the awful flashbacks! KR pointed out each and every unfortunate poo pile. Starting at the women’s bathroom: one squashed and skidded streak o’ crap. Just around the corner from the women’s bathroom, a little dab of something about the size of three Jolly Ranchers. A few inches away, another Jolly Rancher-sized crap. Up two stairs: small crap. Up another stair, another crap. Slightly squashed crap on the landing from the stairs to the parking ramp door. Once inside the door in the elevator lobby, pebbles of poo scattered about, leading to the elevator.

I was still with KR at this time, and still had to use the restroom. We grabbed an elevator, it stops and is occupied by an older gentleman in his fifties. We take the elevator to the second floor where the three of us vacate the elevator; he heads directly to the men’s lavatory. KR and I look at each other: hmm, suspicious. KR and I head for the women’s bathroom. All stalls occupied and a horrible stench was in the air. Who are these women?! Save it for home, sista!

Anyway, I’ve always had the most ridiculous case of stage fright and KR kept up the conversation the whole time we were in the restroom. She left and I was finally able to concentrate on peeing but I’m sure she thought of me as a possible suspect in the “Why do we keep getting offices in buildings where people crap on the floor” case but alas, I was wearing tight jeans and girls don’t crap anyway, only old women.

As I was leaving work yesterday at approximately twenty to six, the crap piles on the main floor had been cleaned up but they had not cleaned the stairs. I forgot to check this morning as I was walking down the stairs but my shoes check out all right. Thank goodness.

2 Responses to “The case of the mystery substance, volume 2”

  1. Numero 6 June 14, 2007 at 11:34 am #

    Is this seriously two seperate occurences? If so, I just don’t know if I can believe it. I mean sure, I know a guy who has sharted his pants while at work, but never someone who pooped all over the floor. How could nobody have seen that? I just might try it at my work and see what kind of reaction I get. Wish me luck!

  2. Cool Rut June 14, 2007 at 4:32 pm #

    I had dueling diarrhea at my office today. That made me and the dude peeing next to me laugh. I think a lot of people like toilet humor. The ones that don’t admit it, are liars.

    I think the culprit is a person that has a dog in the office. Humans usually have one Jolly Rancher sized turd per poop. Big hunk, jolly hunk is how it works for most. But dogs often have many Jolly craps in one pile. So if a owner waits too long and moves the dog once it starts, you can drag it but the crapping does not stop. So a trail is very possible. Just an idea.

    I never sharted at work, but left plenty of underwear in restrooms across the country. First time in memory was when I was 12 at my cousins place. I didn’t want to just toss the dirty undies in the garbage so I found a box of toothpaste in the closet, emptied the box, stuffed the undies in the box, put the box back in the closet. Ha, just kidding, I put the box in the garbage and the toothpaste tube in the closet.

    That was also my first memory of going commando. I didn’t need any support back then, I was hung like a 5 year old. No jokes, I have changed some.

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