You clocksuckers are going to frakking love this motherhumping post

13 May
censored.jpgIt’s no secret I spend most of my winters holed up in my apartment, lying on the couch and cursing myself for my inability to grow a pair of plums and move the hell out of this god-forsaken ice-capped state.
As I pull my best Scotty J meltdown impression for the better part of six months, I also end up watching somewhere between 25 and 250 movies on TV. I don’t mean “made for TV” movies — I get enough Meredith Baxter Birney at my Former Sitcom Mothers porn site, thank you very much — but rather, “edited for TV” movies, which end up proving a whole ‘nother form of enjoyment.

While I agree that most every movie edited for the telly loses most of its charm in the dumbing-down translation, occasionally the viewer is rewarded with an unintentionally hilarious “edited language” phrases. You know what I’m talking about: when the TV version edits out the blue language for family-friendly words. Mostly, the change is something harmless, your “heck” for “f*ck” or what have you, but there are times when the switched-in phrase is so random, so idiotic, that the new term permanently plants itself in your brain, forever altering your memory of the original film version.

(And yes, I realize the irony in editing some of the following language, but I’m trying to skate by potential web censor devices some readers may have on their work servers.)

I can think of five such occasions, all of which I’m doing from memory:

FILM: The Breakfast Club
ORIGINAL LINE: “Eat my shorts.”
TELEVISION LINE: “Eat my socks.”
WHY IT’S FUNNY: My guess is whoever was in the editing booth for this one was somewhere in the vicinity of 80 years old. Maybe it was Take Your Grandfather to Work Day or something. I don’t know. But really, when in this country’s history was “shorts” offensive? Around the time of prohibition? I’d understand if the original Jon Bender requested that the principal eat his dick, but he didn’t (he left the dick-eating suggestion to Snoop Dogg, directed at Eazy-E and others, a few years later). Bender simply asked to have his shorts eaten, and that seems to be a fairly milquetoast command in my opinion.

FILM: There’s Something About Mary
ORIGINAL LINE: “You’re a f*cking asshole.”
TELEVISION LINE: “You’re a frogging ashpole.”
WHY IT’S FUNNY: Frogging? Ashpole? Are we supposed to believe that poor Ted, heartbroken at the loss of his dear Mary, has suddenly lost the ability to speak his native tongue and has reverted to talking like a Japanese tourist trying to insult someone by mimicking the language he overheard on the subway earlier in the day? This line proves that trying to invent a word that sounds a lot like the curse word, simply doesn’t work. I can’t even watch this scene in the original version without repeating this line in my head. I don’t think that’s the mark of a decent television edit.

FILM: Goodfellas
ORIGINAL LINE: “Go f*ck your mother”
TELEVISION LINE: “Go feel your mother”
WHY IT’S FUNNY: I don’t know why exactly, but that putdown really cracks me up. Feel my mother? Really? That’s what you want me to do? Oh…kay. But really, the reason this line is funny is because it brings to mind one of the greatest Mr. Show sketches of all time: Pallies. Whoever came up with the Anthony “One Time” Branca character deserves a medal.


FILM: Die Hard 2

ORIGINAL LINE: “Yippie-ki-ay, motherf*cker.”
TELEVISION LINE (as remembered by reader Adam G): Yippie-ki-ay, Grandma’s rocker.”
WHY IT’S FUNNY: Read that one again. Grandma’s rocker? Did you just try to insult a guy by comparing him to a piece of antique furniture? I mean, if you wanted to give the fella a good chuckle before ending his life, mission accomplished. But John McClane didn’t really seem to have much of a sense of humor throughout the series, so this sudden attempt at ironic humor is distracting.

I can just imagine the editing booth during this one. One guy is leaning back in his chair, “hm. Well, we can obviously substitute Grandma for mother.” Other guy: “Oh, yeah. Obviously. I mean, that’s a no-brainer. Grandma, mother – no one will know the difference. But what to do about the second part of the word?” First guy: “Yeah, that’s a toughie. Grandma’s flogger? Grandma’s mucker? Grandma’s trucker?” Second guy, bolting up from his chair, “By god, I’ve got it! Grandma’s rocker! That’ll kill! Fire up the editing machine.”

FILM: Major League
ORIGINAL LINE: “Strike this motherf*cker out!”
TELEVISION LINE: “Strike this (pause) GUY out!”
WHY IT’S FUNNY: You really have to have heard this one to understand the full hilarity. It’s not so much that the pedestrian “guy” was substituted for the original swear – therefore cancelling out any intensity Jake Taylor was trying to instill in his pitcher – but rather the awful timing in which it was dubbed. There’s the normal pacing of “strike this”, but then there’s a silence for a tick before a completely foreign, high-pitched voice jumps in with a cheery “guy!” before reverting back to Taylor’s voice. Imagine replacing Tom Berenger’s deep “motherf*cker” with Ducky from Sixteen Candle’s voice for “guy.” That, my friends, is funny.

*****

As mentioned, these are just the few examples I could recount off the top of my head. If you can remember others, feel free to leave a comment.

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6 Responses to “You clocksuckers are going to frakking love this motherhumping post”

  1. Ms. Minneapolis May 14, 2007 at 9:02 am #

    similar to the major league reference is the adventures in babysitting line. not as funny to read as it is to see.

    original:
    gangster: don’t f*ck with the lords of acid
    chris aka elisabeth shue: don’t f*ck with the babysitter.

    tv movie:
    ganster: don’t ffffoool with the lords of acid
    chris: don’t fffffffoooooooooool with the babysitter.

  2. Dave MN May 14, 2007 at 2:21 pm #

    Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

    Original: “Pardon my French, but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you’d have a diamond.”

    TV: “Pardon my French, but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal in his fist, in two weeks you’d have a diamond.”

    Hmmm…I’ve never had to excuse myself for using the word “fist”

  3. Brandon May 15, 2007 at 10:11 pm #

    Dave — that’s a classic. I laughed my fist off just thinking about it.

    Ms. Minneapolis — welcome to the bloggervilleosphere. It’s a sweet gig — if you work hard and stick with it, you can make up to tens of dollars per year!

  4. Ms. Minneapolis May 16, 2007 at 10:24 am #

    well considering my nonprofit and freelancer background that would tens of more bills than i made last year.

  5. Sheriff May 30, 2007 at 5:06 pm #

    Original Ace Ventura

    “You saw the size of his dick, and you got jealous”

    Made for UPN version

    “You saw the size of his gherkin, and you got jealous”

    My personal favorite.

  6. Stan May 11, 2008 at 4:58 pm #

    “Comb the desert!”
    “We ain’t found schlock!”

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