Two more outrageous claims to add to the list

24 Apr

bigpun.jpgThe incomparable Cracked website posted a hilarious list last week: The 15 Most Outrageous Claims in Pop Music History. My favorite selection — and not just because it’s the post’s opener — has to be #15’s “we can do it ’till we both wake up.” Cracked is right: not only does that not sound fun at all, but I’m pretty sure it’s physically impossible. If you actually fall asleep doing an activity, I’m thinking that very same activity isn’t going to pull you from slumber. Color Me Badd = morons.

But while the entire piece had me laughing, I couldn’t help but feel twinges of jealousy. You see, I’ve been meaning to pull together a similar list for years, but with all my pressing engagements (read: television watching) I never got around to it. So I’m going to be a hack and list the two submissions I’d’ve added to my list. Feel free to chime in with others if you feel so inclined.

1. “Read a book, you illiterate son of a bitch.” — Jay-Z’s “Big Pimpin'”

While I appreciate a hip-hop tune imploring its listeners to embrace the delightful world of book-reading, I don’t see why they’d direct such a request to someone who doesn’t have the ability to read. I mean, of course the brotha ain’t gonna pick up a paperback — it is of no literal use to him. Why? Because he’s illiterate. I know you know that, because you yourself were the one who enlightened us as to this thug’s inability to comprehend simple words. If you’re looking for a three-syllable tip to put at the front of that rhyme, why not go with “learn to read”? That would make a lot more sense than what you came up with. You might as well ask a blind person to direct traffic. Jerk.

2. “You couldn’t measure my dick with six rulers.” — Big Pun’s “Still Not a Playa”

This has to be one of the most asinine claims in musical history. Six rulers? Six? That’s 72 inches, brah. I’ve seen pictures of you, Big Thumper, and I’d be floored if your actual height were 5’10” wearing Timberlands. Pretty sure your unit isn’t taller than you. If you would’ve claimed that one would be unable to measure your man bits “with a ruler”…now, that’d be an impressive claim. I could make my peace with that assertion. Still not highly believable, but enough in the realm of human possibility that’d it be a striking lyric. But to pass over that line, and even the numbers two through five, to land on the equivalent of a six-foot wang? Now you’re just being ridiculous, sir.

(P.S. I know you died seven years ago, Mr. Punisher, but this had to be said. Sorry. R.I.P.)

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4 Responses to “Two more outrageous claims to add to the list”

  1. Numero 6 April 25, 2007 at 12:32 pm #

    I want to throw in this one…..

    “Hair nappy but I’m happy, pocket full of dough.” This creative lyric came from then, boyhood wonder, Lil’ Bow Wow in his pop chart hit “Where My Dogs At” (bark wit me now).

    Sounds like Bow Wow and Imus should hang out.

    -Numero 6

  2. Cool Rut April 25, 2007 at 4:16 pm #

    I want to add a line by Stevie Nicks. She sang “just like a one wing dove” How does a one wing dove fly, in circles? I suppose if I listen to the rest of the lyrics it could make sense.

  3. A.B. April 29, 2007 at 8:15 pm #

    Cool Rut, it’s “White Winged Dove.”
    Oy. Rock on, big ol’ jed & lionel!

  4. Cool Rut April 30, 2007 at 4:18 pm #

    Cool Rut decided to poke fun at himself.

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