The Cooler: helping to insert your head into the sand

19 Apr

humansizedcock1.jpgThe headlines ’round the world this week were nearly uniform in their tragic nature, but you obviously didn’t come to this site to read about such serious issues (and if you did…god help you. You’ve got problems.) So instead of trying to broach subjects that I have no business or interest in discussing, I’ll instead point you to the four most interesting articles I stumbled upon this week. 50% ridiculous, 50% humorous, 100% distracting. And that’s really what it’s all about today, anyway. So have at it, team. Here’s to a safe weekend.

I can’t help but alert you to the two-year anniversary of this article from a local South Carolina news station. In case you’re a non-link-clicker, I’ll provide the article’s gist: the South Carolina State House met on two potential bills, one devoted to increasing the punishment for cockfighting, one hoping to up the punishment for domestic abuse. Can you guess which one passed? I imagine it’s easier to find a Playboy in Clay Aiken’s house than a feminist in South Carolina. (Coincidentally, in a bill passed later in the year, domestic abuse via literal cock-fighting was found to be not a crime at all, but rather a noble display of affection.)

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Judging from a recent Chevy Chase interview from Time Magazine, it appears Chevy is either the biggest egomaniac on the planet, or has completely lost his ability to effectively tell a joke. Actually, I’m pretty sure those factors aren’t mutually exclusive. In fact, I’d like to give Chevy a little piece of my mind right now. Seriously, I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is. Hallelujah. Holy shit. Where’s the Tylenol?

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Clay Risen brings the funny on The Morning News. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: when I grow up, I want to write for TMN.

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Proving that everyone in marketing is about half as smart as they think they are (see: me), here is a magazine feature that details the brains behind the idea for … wait for it … square bagels. I am going to repeat: there is an article, produced on Planet Earth, that actually delves into the genius idea for SQUARE BAGELS. My god, are we completely out of ideas? Has the entire country dried up of any creativity whatsoever? (PS. David Cross is not impressed with that idea.) I need more Tylenol.

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