Academy Awards: a pseudo-recap

26 Feb
jhudson1.jpgDoes anyone care about the Academy Awards show anymore? Seems like it was relevant back in the day, but now it’s hands down the most bloated, self-congratulatory awards show on the planet. Do we agree, or am I alone on this one? I just don’t have any fun watching it. Not at all.Unfortunately, my double-threat flaws as both a couch potato and a masochist wouldn’t allow me to watch anything else last night. I had to tune in. Here are a few of my observations, broken down in the simplest/laziest format possible:

THE GOOD

Forest Whitaker’s Best Actor win. A well-deserved victory by the former linebacker from Ridgemont High. (My thoughts on Last King of Scotland: a decent flick made better by the superb acting. Sort of like Ray in that respect. Further comparison: actress Kerry Washington starred in both, but only gets naked in Last King. This is the sort of hard-hitting information you’ve come to expect from the WoB.)

****

Jack Nicholson’s new ‘do. The shaved head was an obvious tribute to bff Britney. An awesome display of solidarity, I say.

****
Martin Scorsese, for his Best Director award. You know, when he brashly stated in 1972 that he wasn’t going to trim his eyebrows until he won an Oscar, no one realized how that statement would come to haunt him. Finally, our long national nightmare is over.

****

The Departed’s victory in the Best Pic department, marking the first time since ’99 (American Beauty) that my favorite movie of the year actually took home the honor.

****

Jennifer Hudson’s boob almost popping out of her dress (not the same dress as above photo; same boob though) during her & Beyonce’s performance was perhaps the most exciting moment in Oscar history. I was literally on the edge of my seat with anticipation. I don’t care what that says about me.

THE BAD

The show was scheduled for three hours and still went on 45 extra minutes. Nothing on earth can hold my attention that long unless it involves nudity. I suspect I’m not the only one who feels this way.

****

Celine Dion’s performance. Obviously.

THE UGLY

Little Miss Sunshine taking home the “Crash Memorial” honor for Least Deserving Winner (Best Original Screenplay). I won’t deny LMS’s entertainment value, but the screenplay was average at best. Far too reliant on coincidences to advance the storyline (the professor running into his old flame at a gas station in BFE? I’m sure.) and over-the-top character traits. Terrible, terrible selection by the Academy.

****

I’ll just reprint the same thing I wrote last year, which rang just as true this time around: “The entire show essentially consisting of a three-hour industry fellatio-fest. I swear, every introduction and every speech by every damn actor mentioned the all-consuming Power of Movies. Their magnitude, their transcendence, yada yada yada, their cultural significance, how deeply they move people, blah blah blah. You know what? We know movies are important. That’s why we drop $10 to watch you melodramatic jackasses on the big screen. That’s why you’re all so filthy rich. That’s why there are like 50 million people watching you pat yourself on the back right now. We understand. Point taken. Now get over yourselves.”

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5 Responses to “Academy Awards: a pseudo-recap”

  1. Numero 6 February 26, 2007 at 10:41 am #

    In the theme of the Academy awards last night, I would like to point out the fact that when a company like ABC, who brings us such credited shows as “Greys Anatomy,” “What About Brian,” and “America’s Funniest Home Videos” decides to broadcast an award show, you think they could figure out that if the first 30 minutes aren’t interesting, the clickers will start a clickin’. I mean, honestly, the first solid hour or more was filled with awards such as “best animated short” and “most creative sound effects in a foreign film that nobody in America saw unless they were from the country in which it was made.” If it is any indication as just to how boring the first hour was, I spent more time flipping between “Rush Hour,” which everyone has seen 26 times on TBS, and The Discovery Channel’s “Dirty Jobs” with Mike Rowe.

    The best show I saw all weekend had to have been watching Master B himself wrestle 10 people into one SUV and kidnap them to New Hope for an unexpected, after-bar dance party where only 3 people were dancing (Master B being among them), one married chick being passed out, and a push-up contest to display feats of manhood during a late winter blizzard. A delightful time was had by all.

    Numero 6

  2. Brandon February 26, 2007 at 11:49 am #

    Fella, if a shot of whiskey followed by 34 push-ups on the kitchen floor followed by an hour-dance session with no one in particular is wrong, then I don’t want to be right.

  3. Brandon February 26, 2007 at 11:49 am #

    Hour-LONG I meant. Hour-long.

  4. Brando February 27, 2007 at 4:24 pm #

    Nice recap, especially the Nicholson/Britney line. I wonder if Hudson’s Janet Jackson impersonation would have caused more or less scandal than Ms. Jackson.

    What’s frustrating is, they usually get a lot of entertaining moments stuck in the glorified reach-around moments. They could easily get this show down to a tight two hours which (surprise) is the length most movies shouldn’t exceed.

  5. Corbin March 12, 2007 at 1:35 pm #

    This is the funniest post and thread I’ve read in a long, long time.

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