Steven Wright's "When the Leaves Blow Away"

5 Nov

wright.jpgInstead of attempting to actually write something original today, I thought I’d type out a few of the best lines from Steven Wright’s recent special on Comedy Central.

Now, I understand most stand-up lines don’t quite translate to print – especially considering Wright’s deadpan presentation – and it might even be considered somewhat uncool to simply copy down lines from the telly, but … whatever. As they say, if you can’t beat ‘em, steal their material for your website.

“Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.”

“Next week I’m going to get an MRI to see if I have claustrophobia.”

“I bought an iPod. It can either hold 5,000 songs, or one message from my mother.”

“Today I was talking to myself. I was very polite and cordial but I could tell I was lying.”

“You know, if heat rises, heaven might be hotter than hell.”

“A friend of mine is a pilot. We were going to go for a ride, and for absolutely no reason he waited 45 minutes before backing out of the driveway.”

“I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.”

“I’m part of the Jehovah’s Witness Protection program. I have to go door-to-door and tell people I’m someone else.”

“I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”

“24-hour banking? I don’t have time for that.”

“A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently it wasn’t for first place.”

“I was driving down the highway and I saw a hitchhiker holding a sign that said “Heaven,” so I hit him.”

“It was the first time I was ever in love and I learned a lot. Before then I’d never even thought of killing myself.”

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